Support from Family and Friends
By Jackie Wesley
There are many things that a newly bereaved person needs during the first few weeks. One of the most important is support from their family and friends, who should be there to let them talk and to really listen, to give hugs, and to help with any chores the bereaved are not able to accomplish yet. It’s hard for them to even think ahead to what should be done--washing clothes, cleaning, even answering the telephone may seem impossible. Many families have found it hard to go shopping for just basic groceries. They need someone to lend some thoughtful ideas and maybe see to some of these tasks a few times until their numbness has lightened a little.
Family and friends need to realize that the person who is grieving may never be the same. They will always be without their loved one and their lives will never be the same as before the death.
Since my daughter Teresa died I too have changed a lot; I have many new friends; I do things I’d have never done before, such as becoming a chapter leader, a newsletter editor and just recently writing articles on grief in these newspapers. I have more compassion towards others than before, and my interests are so very different now. If there were gifts resulting from a death, I’d say I have received many. Some people may think what I do is depressing. I feel it is helping others and at the same time helping me with my own healing.
Friday, July 20, 2007
What do we do at a TCF meeting?
What do we do at a TCF meeting?
By Jackie Wesley
Many people may think that meetings of The Compassionate Friends consist of bereaved people who sit and cry most of the evening, but that is certainly a misconception. It is normal to shed tears as we talk about our child’s death, and we would expect a newly bereaved person to cry. We understand that completely. But we don’t just sit and cry. Would you believe that most of the time we spend in our sharing group circle we may enjoy hearing others’ stories about their children, or even sharing our own? Our meetings are usually about our memories, our questions and also telling what has helped us to cope with it all. We all have ideas that we share with others in the hope that they may reach a point of “good memories” instead of bad memories of the child’s death. During the “special days” such as the child’s birth date or death anniversary or even holidays we offer written information that may have helped some of us to cope.
A support group should be informative, very comforting and welcoming to those who attend and should always have non-judgmental members. We are less concerned at how the child died (even though we do care) and we are more concerned that we be there for the parents, siblings or grandparents who need us. They have a desire to talk and share about their loved one. We want to let them lean on us in their time of pain, just as we had others before us who let us lean on them. It does come full circle.
By Jackie Wesley
Many people may think that meetings of The Compassionate Friends consist of bereaved people who sit and cry most of the evening, but that is certainly a misconception. It is normal to shed tears as we talk about our child’s death, and we would expect a newly bereaved person to cry. We understand that completely. But we don’t just sit and cry. Would you believe that most of the time we spend in our sharing group circle we may enjoy hearing others’ stories about their children, or even sharing our own? Our meetings are usually about our memories, our questions and also telling what has helped us to cope with it all. We all have ideas that we share with others in the hope that they may reach a point of “good memories” instead of bad memories of the child’s death. During the “special days” such as the child’s birth date or death anniversary or even holidays we offer written information that may have helped some of us to cope.
A support group should be informative, very comforting and welcoming to those who attend and should always have non-judgmental members. We are less concerned at how the child died (even though we do care) and we are more concerned that we be there for the parents, siblings or grandparents who need us. They have a desire to talk and share about their loved one. We want to let them lean on us in their time of pain, just as we had others before us who let us lean on them. It does come full circle.
What not to say to the bereaved
What not to say to the bereaved
By Jackie Wesley
In our Compassionate Friends meetings we have all talked about things that people have said to us—things that only the “inexperienced” in child loss or other loss might say. One statement is “Time heals all wounds.” Well, time only helps us learn how to better deal with it; it does not HEAL our pain. Even though my daughter Teresa died almost 12 years ago, believe me, there is still plenty of pain, but I have learned what helps me get through it a little easier.
Another comment is “At least you have other children.” Yes I do, and I love them both dearly, but I love my daughter too, and I miss her. Our children cannot be replaced by their siblings who are still living. Many people who have never lost a child, a sibling, or a grandchild believe that after a year or two “You should be over it.” The truth is, we will never “get over it.” We will always remember and miss our loved one.
One statement I think we all agree we have heard at least once is “I know how you feel. My dog/cat died.”
Pleeeease… I had my dog Tinker for 15 years, and as much as I loved her and still miss her, her death was in no way comparable to losing our daughter. When you lose a child you lose the future with them, the prospect of grandchildren and great-grandchildren from them, and a whole lot more. With a pet it just isn’t the same, although I am certain that those who never lost a child will not understand this. I hope they never have a reason to understand this. I would like for everyone who reads this to think about what to say when approaching a bereaved parent or anyone who is grieving. Truly, giving a hug is the best thing you can do, next to sharing a memory about the deceased.
By Jackie Wesley
In our Compassionate Friends meetings we have all talked about things that people have said to us—things that only the “inexperienced” in child loss or other loss might say. One statement is “Time heals all wounds.” Well, time only helps us learn how to better deal with it; it does not HEAL our pain. Even though my daughter Teresa died almost 12 years ago, believe me, there is still plenty of pain, but I have learned what helps me get through it a little easier.
Another comment is “At least you have other children.” Yes I do, and I love them both dearly, but I love my daughter too, and I miss her. Our children cannot be replaced by their siblings who are still living. Many people who have never lost a child, a sibling, or a grandchild believe that after a year or two “You should be over it.” The truth is, we will never “get over it.” We will always remember and miss our loved one.
One statement I think we all agree we have heard at least once is “I know how you feel. My dog/cat died.”
Pleeeease… I had my dog Tinker for 15 years, and as much as I loved her and still miss her, her death was in no way comparable to losing our daughter. When you lose a child you lose the future with them, the prospect of grandchildren and great-grandchildren from them, and a whole lot more. With a pet it just isn’t the same, although I am certain that those who never lost a child will not understand this. I hope they never have a reason to understand this. I would like for everyone who reads this to think about what to say when approaching a bereaved parent or anyone who is grieving. Truly, giving a hug is the best thing you can do, next to sharing a memory about the deceased.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Rainbows may be a sign from our children
Rainbows May be a Sign of Hope
By Jackie Wesley
My friend Jan and I recently had an opportunity to attend a Regional Conference of The Compassionate Friends in Frankfort, KY. It was hosted by another friend, Karen who is the leader of the Frankfort chapter of TCF. It is always comforting to be together with other parents and chapter leaders who understand how we are feeling, and where we can share our thoughts and our grief.
We enjoyed all the speakers but one was so very interesting to me. Maybe it was because she voiced about everything I have felt but never had the words to put it down. I had not heard of the term “linking objects.” It describes a bereaved parent’s holding on to something our child had, or treasured, or something that makes us think of our child--anything that makes us feel closer to our child. (I have always used the term Symbols.)
The speaker, Linda , told of her daughter Liz’s love of rainbows, and how she always carried small colorful tufts of embroidery thread in her pockets. She had earlier mentioned she felt that her life was grey and colorless. After Liz, who was depressed, died of suicide, this mother realized her daughter was carrying a rainbow of sorts around with her in her pocket. The mother felt that perhaps Liz had created something colorful in her life.
The story made me think about one time when Teresa left to go back to her home in Fort Wayne after a visit. She saw a rainbow, and was very sure and also excited that the end of that rainbow landed on the hood of her car. While she didn’t receive a pot of gold, I think the gold from that story is now mine in the hearing of the story of a rainbow in another young girl’s pocket.
The speaker shared a piece of her rainbow thread with me, and I will now carry a rainbow in my pocket in memory of her daughter Liz and my daughter Teresa.
By Jackie Wesley
My friend Jan and I recently had an opportunity to attend a Regional Conference of The Compassionate Friends in Frankfort, KY. It was hosted by another friend, Karen who is the leader of the Frankfort chapter of TCF. It is always comforting to be together with other parents and chapter leaders who understand how we are feeling, and where we can share our thoughts and our grief.
We enjoyed all the speakers but one was so very interesting to me. Maybe it was because she voiced about everything I have felt but never had the words to put it down. I had not heard of the term “linking objects.” It describes a bereaved parent’s holding on to something our child had, or treasured, or something that makes us think of our child--anything that makes us feel closer to our child. (I have always used the term Symbols.)
The speaker, Linda , told of her daughter Liz’s love of rainbows, and how she always carried small colorful tufts of embroidery thread in her pockets. She had earlier mentioned she felt that her life was grey and colorless. After Liz, who was depressed, died of suicide, this mother realized her daughter was carrying a rainbow of sorts around with her in her pocket. The mother felt that perhaps Liz had created something colorful in her life.
The story made me think about one time when Teresa left to go back to her home in Fort Wayne after a visit. She saw a rainbow, and was very sure and also excited that the end of that rainbow landed on the hood of her car. While she didn’t receive a pot of gold, I think the gold from that story is now mine in the hearing of the story of a rainbow in another young girl’s pocket.
The speaker shared a piece of her rainbow thread with me, and I will now carry a rainbow in my pocket in memory of her daughter Liz and my daughter Teresa.
How Does The Butterfly Help Us?
How does the butterfly help those in grief?
By Jackie Wesley
Many people who have never attended a Compassionate Friends meeting or one of our special programs such as the Candlelight service in December or the picnic and balloon release in June might not know why the butterfly is one of our symbols. It can be a symbol for anyone who has had a loved one die. Here is the meaning it has for TCF:
The Compassionate Friends use butterflies because they symbolize renewed life. The caterpillar signifies life here on earth; the cocoon, death; and the butterfly, the emergence of the dead into a new, beautiful and freer existence. The late writer Elisabeth Kubler-Ross movingly told of seeing butterflies drawn all over the walls of the children's dormitories in the World War II concentration camps. Since Elisabeth believed in the innate intuitiveness of children, she concluded that these children knew their fate and were leaving us a message. Many members of The Compassionate Friends embrace the butterfly as such a symbol. To them, it is a comforting thought and sign of hope that their children are living in another dimension with greater beauty and freedom.
Is it no wonder that we can get excited when a butterfly lands on us, or we see one at a time we are especially lonely for our child? Sometimes they come into the house and even during the winter we hear that someone has spotted a butterfly. Many of us feel that butterfly sightings are signs that our children are still with us and are OK.
Often we talk about butterflies that we have seen--how it’s unusual to be able to hold a butterfly and pass it around to the family members for forty-five minutes or to have one drink from your hand. We have experienced these things, and it gives us comfort every time. Butterflies have come into our house just before Christmas, not once but twice. I am also one who believes there are signs from our children. Does anyone have a story to share with us?
By Jackie Wesley
Many people who have never attended a Compassionate Friends meeting or one of our special programs such as the Candlelight service in December or the picnic and balloon release in June might not know why the butterfly is one of our symbols. It can be a symbol for anyone who has had a loved one die. Here is the meaning it has for TCF:
The Compassionate Friends use butterflies because they symbolize renewed life. The caterpillar signifies life here on earth; the cocoon, death; and the butterfly, the emergence of the dead into a new, beautiful and freer existence. The late writer Elisabeth Kubler-Ross movingly told of seeing butterflies drawn all over the walls of the children's dormitories in the World War II concentration camps. Since Elisabeth believed in the innate intuitiveness of children, she concluded that these children knew their fate and were leaving us a message. Many members of The Compassionate Friends embrace the butterfly as such a symbol. To them, it is a comforting thought and sign of hope that their children are living in another dimension with greater beauty and freedom.
Is it no wonder that we can get excited when a butterfly lands on us, or we see one at a time we are especially lonely for our child? Sometimes they come into the house and even during the winter we hear that someone has spotted a butterfly. Many of us feel that butterfly sightings are signs that our children are still with us and are OK.
Often we talk about butterflies that we have seen--how it’s unusual to be able to hold a butterfly and pass it around to the family members for forty-five minutes or to have one drink from your hand. We have experienced these things, and it gives us comfort every time. Butterflies have come into our house just before Christmas, not once but twice. I am also one who believes there are signs from our children. Does anyone have a story to share with us?
When the community comes together in grief
When the community comforts the bereaved
By Jackie Wesley
Having read the recent newspaper articles about the community’s response to Jessica's death, her viewing and funeral, I am so pleased that we live in a community where the death of a young lady (or any person) affects us in this way. There is no doubt that her parents, siblings and grandparents feel the love and comfort as they grieve Jessica’s death. Even though I didn’t know her I am certain from all I have heard about her that she was a beautiful person.
We at The Compassionate Friends often speak of how we were treated during our child’s funeral and afterwards, and I think most would agree that we had the support of our community behind us. It means so much for us to be able to look back and realize how deeply our children were loved and that they had touched so many lives.
It is important to anyone who has lost a loved one to know that others remember and miss him or her too. We may not always be able to attend the funeral or the visitation, but later when it’s all over a card or a heartfelt letter can be so meaningful to the family. It is never too late to let the bereaved family know we are thinking of them, as their bereavement will go on forever and our thoughtfulness will always be appreciated.
If you know someone who is grieving, contact them, either by phone, card or a visit, even when you think it may be just a little gesture. It can mean so much to the family.
It has been almost 14 years since our daughter Teresa died, but just remembering who came to be with us and to say nice things about her, and those who sent cards, will always give our family comfort. We wish the same for Jessica’s family.
By Jackie Wesley
Having read the recent newspaper articles about the community’s response to Jessica's death, her viewing and funeral, I am so pleased that we live in a community where the death of a young lady (or any person) affects us in this way. There is no doubt that her parents, siblings and grandparents feel the love and comfort as they grieve Jessica’s death. Even though I didn’t know her I am certain from all I have heard about her that she was a beautiful person.
We at The Compassionate Friends often speak of how we were treated during our child’s funeral and afterwards, and I think most would agree that we had the support of our community behind us. It means so much for us to be able to look back and realize how deeply our children were loved and that they had touched so many lives.
It is important to anyone who has lost a loved one to know that others remember and miss him or her too. We may not always be able to attend the funeral or the visitation, but later when it’s all over a card or a heartfelt letter can be so meaningful to the family. It is never too late to let the bereaved family know we are thinking of them, as their bereavement will go on forever and our thoughtfulness will always be appreciated.
If you know someone who is grieving, contact them, either by phone, card or a visit, even when you think it may be just a little gesture. It can mean so much to the family.
It has been almost 14 years since our daughter Teresa died, but just remembering who came to be with us and to say nice things about her, and those who sent cards, will always give our family comfort. We wish the same for Jessica’s family.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Let us help in the new year
Let us help others in the New Year
Jackie Wesley, Chapter Leader
As I sit here today I am wondering how to describe my feelings when playing a video of my daughter Teresa who died 14 years ago. I am trying to figure out how to capture a few special scenes from the videos with my computer. I think back to some pretty wonderful, happy times and it sure does my healing a lot of good. I somehow feel as if I just had a visit with her.
Watching videos of our children after they have died may not be for everyone, but I do have to wonder if there are some parents who would get some of the same benefits as I do, if they’d just give it a try. It’s been a long while since I last watched our videos and even though I enjoyed them then, I find them even more enjoyable now.
Time helps us to see things differently as we progress along in our bereavement. I get “bonuses” after watching Teresa’s videos. I sometimes have great dreams and I feel they were triggered because of the movies and the memories they bring about.
If you have anything at all that gives you comfort in your bereavement this coming New Year, I urge you to do it often and tell others what has helped you so they too may be able to find the same or similar comfort.
If you have lost a child, sibling, or a grandchild, there are two Compassionate Friends support groups in Wayne County. If you have lost another member of your family there are other bereavement groups in this area you can attend, I certainly know that support in our time of pain can be so very helpful, and no one needs to walk alone.
My wish is that we all have a gentle New Year.
Jackie Wesley, Chapter Leader
As I sit here today I am wondering how to describe my feelings when playing a video of my daughter Teresa who died 14 years ago. I am trying to figure out how to capture a few special scenes from the videos with my computer. I think back to some pretty wonderful, happy times and it sure does my healing a lot of good. I somehow feel as if I just had a visit with her.
Watching videos of our children after they have died may not be for everyone, but I do have to wonder if there are some parents who would get some of the same benefits as I do, if they’d just give it a try. It’s been a long while since I last watched our videos and even though I enjoyed them then, I find them even more enjoyable now.
Time helps us to see things differently as we progress along in our bereavement. I get “bonuses” after watching Teresa’s videos. I sometimes have great dreams and I feel they were triggered because of the movies and the memories they bring about.
If you have anything at all that gives you comfort in your bereavement this coming New Year, I urge you to do it often and tell others what has helped you so they too may be able to find the same or similar comfort.
If you have lost a child, sibling, or a grandchild, there are two Compassionate Friends support groups in Wayne County. If you have lost another member of your family there are other bereavement groups in this area you can attend, I certainly know that support in our time of pain can be so very helpful, and no one needs to walk alone.
My wish is that we all have a gentle New Year.
Depression during the holidays
Depression during the holidays
By Jackie Wesley
I have been reading a lot about the depression of bereaved parents after the death of their child. I am certain this article will apply to anyone who has lost someone dear to them, whether it is a child, spouse, parent, other close relative or a friend, especially during the holidays. There are signs to look for and there is help from support groups or maybe counseling. Your physician may need to evaluate your depth of depression and may be able to help you through counseling or with medications.
There are numerous signs of depression. They can include an inability to sleep, poor appetite or overeating, weight loss or weight gain, and a low energy level (many at the TCF meetings complain of this in early bereavement). You may feel lonely and detached from others. There may be drug and alcohol abuse. Some bereaved people think of suicide because they feel they have nothing more to live for. You may feel that you cannot handle the pain of losing your loved one. Help is available if the depression is recognized. Seek help by joining a support group, seeing your doctor, and talking to family and friends if, and whenever possible. Sometimes the family is hurting as much as you are, and may not be able to give the help you need. Any time there are suicidal thoughts, please talk to your doctor.
Many of these signs of depression are normal upon experiencing a fresh loss. It is when these feelings seem to go on too long and you don’t feel you are making any headway toward a more normal life that you need to seek help in dealing with it. It takes some people a much longer time to adjust to a loss than others. We all grieve in different ways and we begin to heal at different times. It is not unusual to grieve much of the time for the first three to five years after the death. If you know a grieving person, consider including them in your holiday plans and try to make their holiday season a little lighter.
By Jackie Wesley
I have been reading a lot about the depression of bereaved parents after the death of their child. I am certain this article will apply to anyone who has lost someone dear to them, whether it is a child, spouse, parent, other close relative or a friend, especially during the holidays. There are signs to look for and there is help from support groups or maybe counseling. Your physician may need to evaluate your depth of depression and may be able to help you through counseling or with medications.
There are numerous signs of depression. They can include an inability to sleep, poor appetite or overeating, weight loss or weight gain, and a low energy level (many at the TCF meetings complain of this in early bereavement). You may feel lonely and detached from others. There may be drug and alcohol abuse. Some bereaved people think of suicide because they feel they have nothing more to live for. You may feel that you cannot handle the pain of losing your loved one. Help is available if the depression is recognized. Seek help by joining a support group, seeing your doctor, and talking to family and friends if, and whenever possible. Sometimes the family is hurting as much as you are, and may not be able to give the help you need. Any time there are suicidal thoughts, please talk to your doctor.
Many of these signs of depression are normal upon experiencing a fresh loss. It is when these feelings seem to go on too long and you don’t feel you are making any headway toward a more normal life that you need to seek help in dealing with it. It takes some people a much longer time to adjust to a loss than others. We all grieve in different ways and we begin to heal at different times. It is not unusual to grieve much of the time for the first three to five years after the death. If you know a grieving person, consider including them in your holiday plans and try to make their holiday season a little lighter.
As The Holidays Approach
As the holidays approach
By Jackie Wesley
As the holidays are approaching fast, we who are bereaved, always have mixed emotions about having a nice holiday when our child or loved one is no longer with us, We wonder if we will ever be as happy and if we can ever celebrate the holidays again or any of the “firsts” such as the first birthday, first thanksgiving, first Christmas and any other of the meaningful family occasions. We try to look ahead to how we are going to feel when the time arrives, it is usually not as hard as we had anticipated but still not at all as enjoyable as we’d like it to be or remember it to have been.
A few suggestions of things we can do to make our holidays a little better I think is, maybe buying gifts for less fortunate children, or adopting a child/family at Christmas time, inviting a lonely person to share your holiday meal, making your child’s favorite foods and discussing your loved one as you share the meal. Some people like to volunteer to help serve holiday dinners for the homeless, some want to travel to places their child loved to go, while others want to travel where their child never had gone before.
There are some of our Compassionate Friends members, who like to put a small Christmas tree up at the cemetery and decorate the graves with Christmas flowers and /or a grave blanket, The making of a grave blanket is very fulfilling, we did that for 10 years after Teresa died. Attending a Candle light program is a wonderful way to honor your child or loved one
These suggestions are things we feel we can still do for our child. Any of the suggestions can be done for any member of a family or a friend, its not reserved only for parents. After someone dies we must keep going and do things that lift us up and not always trying to please the other people who feels we should act in a certain manner. (Please click on Older posts )
By Jackie Wesley
As the holidays are approaching fast, we who are bereaved, always have mixed emotions about having a nice holiday when our child or loved one is no longer with us, We wonder if we will ever be as happy and if we can ever celebrate the holidays again or any of the “firsts” such as the first birthday, first thanksgiving, first Christmas and any other of the meaningful family occasions. We try to look ahead to how we are going to feel when the time arrives, it is usually not as hard as we had anticipated but still not at all as enjoyable as we’d like it to be or remember it to have been.
A few suggestions of things we can do to make our holidays a little better I think is, maybe buying gifts for less fortunate children, or adopting a child/family at Christmas time, inviting a lonely person to share your holiday meal, making your child’s favorite foods and discussing your loved one as you share the meal. Some people like to volunteer to help serve holiday dinners for the homeless, some want to travel to places their child loved to go, while others want to travel where their child never had gone before.
There are some of our Compassionate Friends members, who like to put a small Christmas tree up at the cemetery and decorate the graves with Christmas flowers and /or a grave blanket, The making of a grave blanket is very fulfilling, we did that for 10 years after Teresa died. Attending a Candle light program is a wonderful way to honor your child or loved one
These suggestions are things we feel we can still do for our child. Any of the suggestions can be done for any member of a family or a friend, its not reserved only for parents. After someone dies we must keep going and do things that lift us up and not always trying to please the other people who feels we should act in a certain manner. (Please click on Older posts )
We can always treasure our memories
We can always treasure our memories
By Jackie Wesley
No matter how hard we grieve, or how long we grieve, in the end there will still be our memories. Nothing can ever take them away from us. Some memories will be sad, of course. Some may be in the nature of “I wish I had…” But after a long while, when we have had time to heal a little, most of our memories will be the good ones, the ones that bring warm feelings, maybe even laughter.
I have recently been hearing a commercial on TV -- in it a girl is laughing just like Teresa used to laugh when she really was having fun. It brings a smile to me every time I see or hear it. I have to wonder if anyone except her Dad and I have ever noticed the resemblance. A few years ago I doubt that I’d have found much enjoyment from a TV commercial with a girl laughing, but it just goes to show that we do change so much through the journey of grief. Sometimes just smelling the cologne or perfume that their loved one wore triggers a memory. Some, seeing another person who resembles their child or loved one, may recall how their child wore her hair, or how he stood or smiled. We have talked at our Compassionate Friends meetings about how we often see people who look like our child from a distance. For a fleeting moment it can give our hearts a real thump.
Perhaps when we decide (accept, maybe) that our child is really gone and give up the thoughts of the death, that is when the good memories set in. That was true in my own circumstance. There are times when hurtful thoughts come to mind, but it’s getting easier to push the bad ones out and dwell on the good ones--and there are so many of them!
By Jackie Wesley
No matter how hard we grieve, or how long we grieve, in the end there will still be our memories. Nothing can ever take them away from us. Some memories will be sad, of course. Some may be in the nature of “I wish I had…” But after a long while, when we have had time to heal a little, most of our memories will be the good ones, the ones that bring warm feelings, maybe even laughter.
I have recently been hearing a commercial on TV -- in it a girl is laughing just like Teresa used to laugh when she really was having fun. It brings a smile to me every time I see or hear it. I have to wonder if anyone except her Dad and I have ever noticed the resemblance. A few years ago I doubt that I’d have found much enjoyment from a TV commercial with a girl laughing, but it just goes to show that we do change so much through the journey of grief. Sometimes just smelling the cologne or perfume that their loved one wore triggers a memory. Some, seeing another person who resembles their child or loved one, may recall how their child wore her hair, or how he stood or smiled. We have talked at our Compassionate Friends meetings about how we often see people who look like our child from a distance. For a fleeting moment it can give our hearts a real thump.
Perhaps when we decide (accept, maybe) that our child is really gone and give up the thoughts of the death, that is when the good memories set in. That was true in my own circumstance. There are times when hurtful thoughts come to mind, but it’s getting easier to push the bad ones out and dwell on the good ones--and there are so many of them!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
What Can we do after a Death?
What can we do after a death?
By Jackie Wesley Chapter leader for The Compassionate Friends
When your child dies, it is an extremely difficult life changing experience and one that you never get over. You may reach a place where you can deal with it easier, but as for what some people may call “closure” that just doesn’t happen. We cannot “close” a door to grief, just as we cannot close a door to the love we have for our child who has died. There are many things we can do to help ourselves in the memory of our child. We can reach out to other newly bereaved parents who have also lost a child, sibling or grandchild, we can go even further and reach out to anyone who has lost a loved one. Being kind is one way to help make you feel better about yourself and I’m certain the deceased child will be so very proud of you.
You can join support groups such as The Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents of USA, or any type of support group that fits your situation. You can even lead a support group, you can get involved in a children’s program, maybe put articles in a newsletter. There are just so many things that are both effective and will help in your healing.
Some parents start a scholarship in the memory of their child, some work as volunteers in hospitals, several become involved in “Walks to Remember “ their children, siblings and grandchildren. There are those who want or needs to decorate their child’s graves, I happen to be one who does, while there are some who do not feel that need, but whatever will help you in your grief, that is what you must do. You must certainly take care of yourself and your health. You should try to get enough rest and take it easy, getting run down and sick is never a good thing to do, especially when you are in such grief, it takes so much longer to reach a healing place.
If your child or loved one had a hobby, a passion for doing something, you may find that taking that hobby up can help you feel closer to your child. Maybe make a photo album of the child, and reminisce while sorting pictures, I know that helped me at the time my daughter Teresa died I made several pages of pictures of her for her brother and sister’s albums.
I have found that reaching out to others who have suffered a loss has helped me more than anything I have done and I know how appreciated it is to know your not alone in your grief.
By Jackie Wesley Chapter leader for The Compassionate Friends
When your child dies, it is an extremely difficult life changing experience and one that you never get over. You may reach a place where you can deal with it easier, but as for what some people may call “closure” that just doesn’t happen. We cannot “close” a door to grief, just as we cannot close a door to the love we have for our child who has died. There are many things we can do to help ourselves in the memory of our child. We can reach out to other newly bereaved parents who have also lost a child, sibling or grandchild, we can go even further and reach out to anyone who has lost a loved one. Being kind is one way to help make you feel better about yourself and I’m certain the deceased child will be so very proud of you.
You can join support groups such as The Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents of USA, or any type of support group that fits your situation. You can even lead a support group, you can get involved in a children’s program, maybe put articles in a newsletter. There are just so many things that are both effective and will help in your healing.
Some parents start a scholarship in the memory of their child, some work as volunteers in hospitals, several become involved in “Walks to Remember “ their children, siblings and grandchildren. There are those who want or needs to decorate their child’s graves, I happen to be one who does, while there are some who do not feel that need, but whatever will help you in your grief, that is what you must do. You must certainly take care of yourself and your health. You should try to get enough rest and take it easy, getting run down and sick is never a good thing to do, especially when you are in such grief, it takes so much longer to reach a healing place.
If your child or loved one had a hobby, a passion for doing something, you may find that taking that hobby up can help you feel closer to your child. Maybe make a photo album of the child, and reminisce while sorting pictures, I know that helped me at the time my daughter Teresa died I made several pages of pictures of her for her brother and sister’s albums.
I have found that reaching out to others who have suffered a loss has helped me more than anything I have done and I know how appreciated it is to know your not alone in your grief.
Grief And Anger
Grief and Anger
By Jackie Wesley
Chapter leader, The Compassionate Friends
East Central Indiana and Miami-Whitewater Chapters
In our Miami-Whitewater Chapter meeting this month we will be discussing anger in our grief. Many experience anger after their child or loved one dies. A description of anger is “A feeling of rage, an emotional agitation to what is viewed as unfair, unjust and sometimes even shameful”.
When we are angry we need a target. Sometimes the target may be God. (He understands.) Some may even feel anger at their child or loved one, thinking, “How could he/she leave me like this? Why? Doesn’t he/she know I’m hurting and in pain?” Some people are angry at the doctors, some at the funeral directors, some even feel anger toward themselves, thinking they could have done something to prevent the death.
We may even be angry at our spouse. He/she may not grieve the same way and we may misunderstand their feelings that are just as deep as our own. Maybe our clergyman is not as compassionate as we believe they should be, or maybe they were not available to us at all. We are angry because we feel abandoned and that life is unfair. We also feel very alone and no longer in control of our emotions. We may also think nothing will ever be the same, and it won’t. But as time goes on, it does get somewhat easier as you work through your grief.
We all try at times to not let this anger show to others, but suppressing it can only lead to sickness and withdrawal. Masking anger will often hurt the ones around you and may even drive them away from you. You may even risk losing your closest support system.
Dealing with your anger and admitting it and also seeking help from others who have experienced this feeling is always the healthy thing to do. Personally, talking has been the best help for me. Attending a Compassionate Friends meeting and talking to others who have “been there” has helped many.
By Jackie Wesley
Chapter leader, The Compassionate Friends
East Central Indiana and Miami-Whitewater Chapters
In our Miami-Whitewater Chapter meeting this month we will be discussing anger in our grief. Many experience anger after their child or loved one dies. A description of anger is “A feeling of rage, an emotional agitation to what is viewed as unfair, unjust and sometimes even shameful”.
When we are angry we need a target. Sometimes the target may be God. (He understands.) Some may even feel anger at their child or loved one, thinking, “How could he/she leave me like this? Why? Doesn’t he/she know I’m hurting and in pain?” Some people are angry at the doctors, some at the funeral directors, some even feel anger toward themselves, thinking they could have done something to prevent the death.
We may even be angry at our spouse. He/she may not grieve the same way and we may misunderstand their feelings that are just as deep as our own. Maybe our clergyman is not as compassionate as we believe they should be, or maybe they were not available to us at all. We are angry because we feel abandoned and that life is unfair. We also feel very alone and no longer in control of our emotions. We may also think nothing will ever be the same, and it won’t. But as time goes on, it does get somewhat easier as you work through your grief.
We all try at times to not let this anger show to others, but suppressing it can only lead to sickness and withdrawal. Masking anger will often hurt the ones around you and may even drive them away from you. You may even risk losing your closest support system.
Dealing with your anger and admitting it and also seeking help from others who have experienced this feeling is always the healthy thing to do. Personally, talking has been the best help for me. Attending a Compassionate Friends meeting and talking to others who have “been there” has helped many.
The club no one wants to join
The Club No One Wants to Join
by Jackie Wesley Chapter Leader for The Compassionate Friends
There is a small, almost unknown group of bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents called The Compassionate Friends who meet monthly to talk about their children who have died. Very few other people will talk with a bereaved person about the child, for fear of causing them even more grief and tears. That is only because they do not understand how the bereaved mind works. We want to talk about our child; we want to hear stories about our child; we love to hear our child’s name being mentioned over and over.
My youngest daughter Teresa, age twenty-five, died almost fourteen years ago, and each time I have an opportunity I tell others about her. I am so pleased when someone tells me something about her that I didn’t know or maybe had forgotten. It is through talking and talking some more that healing comes about.
Our local chapter of The Compassionate Friends is a part of a national support organization for bereaved parents. We meet in Hagerstown at the Nettle Creek Healthcare Center on the third Tuesday of each month at 7:00 PM. And in Richmond the third Thursday at 7:00 at the First English Lutheran Church, 2727 E. Main Street. We not only talk and reminisce; we also learn about each others’ children--how they died, what they liked to do, how they interacted with family and friends. We each seem to build a special relationship with all our members and their deceased children.
Sometimes at our meetings there is laughter; sometimes there are tears, but whatever the meeting holds, there is always compassion for each other. Our Compassionate Friends meetings are for those whose child, sibling, or grandchild died too soon. I am sorry to say I qualify for all of these categories. My first-born grandchild David Daniel, died only 45 minutes after birth. He was born too soon. I never got to hold him. My daughter Teresa, died of cardiac arrest when she was only 25 years old, and my brother Gordon, died of cancer five years ago at age 64.
Whoever you have lost, I am certain that other bereavement support groups can be just as helpful for anyone who has lost a loved one, and I’d be the first to encourage anyone to seek out a group where you too can talk and remember your loved one. It is the talking about and doing things in their memory that will help you in your healing. As the chapter leader for the East Central Indiana, and also the Miami-Whitewater Chapters of The Compassionate Friends I’d like to quote Darcie Sims PH. D who is a well known speaker, writer, and grief counselor: “If we didn’t love so much, we wouldn’t hurt so much.”
by Jackie Wesley Chapter Leader for The Compassionate Friends
There is a small, almost unknown group of bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents called The Compassionate Friends who meet monthly to talk about their children who have died. Very few other people will talk with a bereaved person about the child, for fear of causing them even more grief and tears. That is only because they do not understand how the bereaved mind works. We want to talk about our child; we want to hear stories about our child; we love to hear our child’s name being mentioned over and over.
My youngest daughter Teresa, age twenty-five, died almost fourteen years ago, and each time I have an opportunity I tell others about her. I am so pleased when someone tells me something about her that I didn’t know or maybe had forgotten. It is through talking and talking some more that healing comes about.
Our local chapter of The Compassionate Friends is a part of a national support organization for bereaved parents. We meet in Hagerstown at the Nettle Creek Healthcare Center on the third Tuesday of each month at 7:00 PM. And in Richmond the third Thursday at 7:00 at the First English Lutheran Church, 2727 E. Main Street. We not only talk and reminisce; we also learn about each others’ children--how they died, what they liked to do, how they interacted with family and friends. We each seem to build a special relationship with all our members and their deceased children.
Sometimes at our meetings there is laughter; sometimes there are tears, but whatever the meeting holds, there is always compassion for each other. Our Compassionate Friends meetings are for those whose child, sibling, or grandchild died too soon. I am sorry to say I qualify for all of these categories. My first-born grandchild David Daniel, died only 45 minutes after birth. He was born too soon. I never got to hold him. My daughter Teresa, died of cardiac arrest when she was only 25 years old, and my brother Gordon, died of cancer five years ago at age 64.
Whoever you have lost, I am certain that other bereavement support groups can be just as helpful for anyone who has lost a loved one, and I’d be the first to encourage anyone to seek out a group where you too can talk and remember your loved one. It is the talking about and doing things in their memory that will help you in your healing. As the chapter leader for the East Central Indiana, and also the Miami-Whitewater Chapters of The Compassionate Friends I’d like to quote Darcie Sims PH. D who is a well known speaker, writer, and grief counselor: “If we didn’t love so much, we wouldn’t hurt so much.”
Welcome to my Blog
My Name is Jackie, but on this blog I will be referred to as Buttafly and I will sign my comments by ~Buttafly
This blog will be for my own personal thoughts and a lot of articles on grieving.
This blog will be for my own personal thoughts and a lot of articles on grieving.
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