Sunday, October 5, 2008
Saturday, November 17, 2007
We Do Not Judge
At the Compassionate Friends support meetings, we are never to judge how someone’s child died. We are of course concerned, but we are there solely for the support of the parents at their time of grief.
In the past few months there have been some deaths by suicide and a couple of murders in our area. We know it is very hard to come to a meeting for the first time. Parents who have the added trauma of their child’s violent or self-inflicted death may be hesitant to attend for fear of having to talk about how their child died. It is our hope that we will never make someone uncomfortable, no matter what they may say or how they may behave. There is no pressure for anyone to speak if they don’t wish to.
I recall that when actress Anna Nicole died, there was so much controversy over how she grieved her son’s death. Someone on TV mentioned she that was STILL grieving, as though she should have been long over it. In fact he had died only a few months earlier.
I cannot help but feel sorry for Anna’s mother because of all the negativity that was said about her daughter at that terrible time. It was as if people didn’t care that she was grieving herself. I wondered how they could overlook the feelings of the ones who loved and grieved over Anna Nicole and her son. We may not have approved of Anna’s lifestyle, but she was a bereaved mother, as was her own mother!
I only mentioned this because I want others to know that we at The Compassionate Friends try to be as supportive as possible of bereaved parents. We want them to know they do not need to worry about being judged at our meetings. They won’t be judged. But they will be welcomed.
In the past few months there have been some deaths by suicide and a couple of murders in our area. We know it is very hard to come to a meeting for the first time. Parents who have the added trauma of their child’s violent or self-inflicted death may be hesitant to attend for fear of having to talk about how their child died. It is our hope that we will never make someone uncomfortable, no matter what they may say or how they may behave. There is no pressure for anyone to speak if they don’t wish to.
I recall that when actress Anna Nicole died, there was so much controversy over how she grieved her son’s death. Someone on TV mentioned she that was STILL grieving, as though she should have been long over it. In fact he had died only a few months earlier.
I cannot help but feel sorry for Anna’s mother because of all the negativity that was said about her daughter at that terrible time. It was as if people didn’t care that she was grieving herself. I wondered how they could overlook the feelings of the ones who loved and grieved over Anna Nicole and her son. We may not have approved of Anna’s lifestyle, but she was a bereaved mother, as was her own mother!
I only mentioned this because I want others to know that we at The Compassionate Friends try to be as supportive as possible of bereaved parents. We want them to know they do not need to worry about being judged at our meetings. They won’t be judged. But they will be welcomed.
Young People Die Way Too Soon
In our Compassionate Friends Chapters we have a program we call outreach. That is exactly what we do; we reach out to newly bereaved parents at the time of their child’s death. We do this by decorating a small craft birdhouse with a few flower blooms that we put a hand cut butterfly into the decoration and take it to the funeral home along with a sympathy card and information about our local chapters. Our purpose is to let the parents know from the beginning there is help and support from other bereaved parents in this area.
The past two months or so we have delivered over 15 such birdhouses to families that have lost a young or adult child way to soon. We try to reach parents of children 46 and under, as that is my own children’s ages. (It’s impossible to reach everyone’s child, since we are all someone’s child.)
I remember when my daughter Teresa died, I had no idea there was a group I could go to for support, and as I have mentioned it in previous articles, it’s not always easy to talk with family when they too are grieving. A support group is so valuable at this time and it is our goal that all parents who are suffering, knows about us.
We are not always aware of the addresses or phone numbers of the parents to contact after the funeral so we feel its best to take the small birdhouse to the funeral home before the visitation and also let others know we are in the area and that we do care.
There are times parents may come to our meetings very early after their child has died or sometimes they may wait a few months, as everyone grieves differently and some just are not ready very early. On Occasion, we have found that some parents are supported by their church friends, but there are some who do not attend church and some who also have questions about their faith, at this time.
I can only hope and pray that parents, grandparents, and siblings, or anyone who has lost a loved one find the support that is offered. It certainly helps in your healing when you talk about and remember that person.
The past two months or so we have delivered over 15 such birdhouses to families that have lost a young or adult child way to soon. We try to reach parents of children 46 and under, as that is my own children’s ages. (It’s impossible to reach everyone’s child, since we are all someone’s child.)
I remember when my daughter Teresa died, I had no idea there was a group I could go to for support, and as I have mentioned it in previous articles, it’s not always easy to talk with family when they too are grieving. A support group is so valuable at this time and it is our goal that all parents who are suffering, knows about us.
We are not always aware of the addresses or phone numbers of the parents to contact after the funeral so we feel its best to take the small birdhouse to the funeral home before the visitation and also let others know we are in the area and that we do care.
There are times parents may come to our meetings very early after their child has died or sometimes they may wait a few months, as everyone grieves differently and some just are not ready very early. On Occasion, we have found that some parents are supported by their church friends, but there are some who do not attend church and some who also have questions about their faith, at this time.
I can only hope and pray that parents, grandparents, and siblings, or anyone who has lost a loved one find the support that is offered. It certainly helps in your healing when you talk about and remember that person.
Friday, September 7, 2007
The bereaved must be educators to the non-bereaved
The bereaved must be educators to the non-bereaved
By Jackie Wesley
It seems to me that since my daughter Teresa died almost 14 years ago, I have stepped into the field of teaching the non-bereaved how to treat those who are now bereaved. How else can we all live in harmony if others do not realize how we feel and will always feel after the loss of our loved one? Before Teresa died I absolutely didn’t know how someone who was bereaved was feeling. I guess ignorance IS bliss, at least in some cases.
At our monthly Compassionate Friends meetings we discuss how many non-bereaved people do not understand our feelings or how to help us. I know that to be true. Friends may desert us because they don’t know what to say or how to relate to us in our grief. That alone is another loss.
Those who have never experienced a grief so profound can never imagine what to do to help us. When we are grieving we cannot know YET what we need or what to tell others that we need.
Thank God, after we have traveled down the long lonely path of grief for a while, we become like teachers. We can relate to our friends, and sometimes strangers, who are interested in learning what has helped us. Hopefully they will use this newly found knowledge to help another at the time that it is needed.
I am always open and available to talk to groups about the loss of a child and the help that The Compassionate Friends support group offers.
By Jackie Wesley
It seems to me that since my daughter Teresa died almost 14 years ago, I have stepped into the field of teaching the non-bereaved how to treat those who are now bereaved. How else can we all live in harmony if others do not realize how we feel and will always feel after the loss of our loved one? Before Teresa died I absolutely didn’t know how someone who was bereaved was feeling. I guess ignorance IS bliss, at least in some cases.
At our monthly Compassionate Friends meetings we discuss how many non-bereaved people do not understand our feelings or how to help us. I know that to be true. Friends may desert us because they don’t know what to say or how to relate to us in our grief. That alone is another loss.
Those who have never experienced a grief so profound can never imagine what to do to help us. When we are grieving we cannot know YET what we need or what to tell others that we need.
Thank God, after we have traveled down the long lonely path of grief for a while, we become like teachers. We can relate to our friends, and sometimes strangers, who are interested in learning what has helped us. Hopefully they will use this newly found knowledge to help another at the time that it is needed.
I am always open and available to talk to groups about the loss of a child and the help that The Compassionate Friends support group offers.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Bereaved parents are courageous people
Bereaved people are courageous people
By Jackie Wesley
It has been said that it takes courage to let go after you lose a child or a loved one. I believe that is true, although it’s not a choice we give to ourselves. After a death, we may be considered courageous just to go on living, when what we really want most at that time is to join our loved one (at least in the beginning.)
We are never the same person as when our child or loved one was alive. We may become bitter; we may become more compassionate; we may even change the way we live our life. It takes some of us several years to feel we want to live again. I personally think doing something in our child’s memory is helpful and can even give us an uplifting feeling-- maybe a reason to begin living again.
When our child dies one of the most courageous things we can do is to walk into a Compassionate Friends support meeting. We all have found that after the second or third time we attend we are very comfortable sharing stories and memories of our children. It is comforting to be able to talk with others who have experienced the same feelings and to have the reassurance that we are NOT LOSING our minds (as many worry they are.)
Sometimes only the mother or only the father will attend, and that’s fine, as we all grieve differently. Many times both parents come together and learn from the other members many helpful ways to heal.
There are some very special music programs for bereaved parents that parents may find helpful in coping with their grief. On September 17 the Whitewater Valley TCF group is sponsoring an evening with Alan Pederson as a part of his “Angels Are Forever Tour”. Alan lost his daughter Ashley and has written many songs in her memory. If you know someone who would enjoy his beautiful music please come and invite them along. It will be at 7:00 PM at the Red Cross building in Connersville at Roberts Park. There is no charge
By Jackie Wesley
It has been said that it takes courage to let go after you lose a child or a loved one. I believe that is true, although it’s not a choice we give to ourselves. After a death, we may be considered courageous just to go on living, when what we really want most at that time is to join our loved one (at least in the beginning.)
We are never the same person as when our child or loved one was alive. We may become bitter; we may become more compassionate; we may even change the way we live our life. It takes some of us several years to feel we want to live again. I personally think doing something in our child’s memory is helpful and can even give us an uplifting feeling-- maybe a reason to begin living again.
When our child dies one of the most courageous things we can do is to walk into a Compassionate Friends support meeting. We all have found that after the second or third time we attend we are very comfortable sharing stories and memories of our children. It is comforting to be able to talk with others who have experienced the same feelings and to have the reassurance that we are NOT LOSING our minds (as many worry they are.)
Sometimes only the mother or only the father will attend, and that’s fine, as we all grieve differently. Many times both parents come together and learn from the other members many helpful ways to heal.
There are some very special music programs for bereaved parents that parents may find helpful in coping with their grief. On September 17 the Whitewater Valley TCF group is sponsoring an evening with Alan Pederson as a part of his “Angels Are Forever Tour”. Alan lost his daughter Ashley and has written many songs in her memory. If you know someone who would enjoy his beautiful music please come and invite them along. It will be at 7:00 PM at the Red Cross building in Connersville at Roberts Park. There is no charge
Sunday, July 22, 2007
When to part with our child's belongings
When to part with our child’s belongings
By Jackie Wesley
There are so many grief resources on the internet that I am finding to be extremely helpful to me. I have been fortunate to talk to other bereaved parents in chat rooms and also by e- mail. I enjoy reading the letters that other parents have written to the Atlanta Sharing website; I too have written in, on special occasions. I also receive many newsletters from other TCF chapters. Even with all this wonderful outreach and internet websites, my opinion is that the most important sharing is in a physical group of other bereaved parents. We are very much like family. We can share even the smallest details that those who have never lost a child may not understand, such as the things we now hold dear.
A couple of weeks ago I was watching a TV show that had a professional organizer on helping a bereaved family sort through the things they had kept of their young son who had died a few years ago. The organizer was not a bereaved parent and surely did not understand bereaved parents feelings; he called the items “clutter.” He would help them to “declutter.” Now that is not a word that any of us would use to describe our deceased loved ones belongings!
We all have different feelings about the items. As we have discussed in our support meetings, most of us feel they are “treasures.” Until we personally make the decision to part with them (if ever), I see no reason to let go of them.
The most precious treasures we now have are our memories. Second to our memories are the actual items that our child or loved one used, held, or maybe received as a gift. It’s not the item itself; it’s the memory that goes along with it. And in my way of thinking, that makes it a treasure to keep forever.
By Jackie Wesley
There are so many grief resources on the internet that I am finding to be extremely helpful to me. I have been fortunate to talk to other bereaved parents in chat rooms and also by e- mail. I enjoy reading the letters that other parents have written to the Atlanta Sharing website; I too have written in, on special occasions. I also receive many newsletters from other TCF chapters. Even with all this wonderful outreach and internet websites, my opinion is that the most important sharing is in a physical group of other bereaved parents. We are very much like family. We can share even the smallest details that those who have never lost a child may not understand, such as the things we now hold dear.
A couple of weeks ago I was watching a TV show that had a professional organizer on helping a bereaved family sort through the things they had kept of their young son who had died a few years ago. The organizer was not a bereaved parent and surely did not understand bereaved parents feelings; he called the items “clutter.” He would help them to “declutter.” Now that is not a word that any of us would use to describe our deceased loved ones belongings!
We all have different feelings about the items. As we have discussed in our support meetings, most of us feel they are “treasures.” Until we personally make the decision to part with them (if ever), I see no reason to let go of them.
The most precious treasures we now have are our memories. Second to our memories are the actual items that our child or loved one used, held, or maybe received as a gift. It’s not the item itself; it’s the memory that goes along with it. And in my way of thinking, that makes it a treasure to keep forever.
Bereaved parents need to be busy
Bereaved Parents need to be busy
By Jackie Wesley
At times we bereaved parents need to stay busy, whether it’s making memorials for our children or spreading the news of our Compassionate Friends support group.
The natural events after loosing our loved one is to do nothing, we may feel stifled and can not think very efficiently or sometimes we just don’t care. But soon we need to join back into the world of living, maybe by going back to work or just doing the everyday chores. It is easy to cave in to depression if we allow it.
I feel that sharing our child’s memories with anyone who will listen and care, such as at a Compassionate Friends Support meeting or any other bereavement meeting and even with family and friends can help us progress though our grief a little bit faster.
Many have journeyed through writing and shares that it has helped them. Looking back at your journals, several months later will certainly show how the “telling the story” in writing has helped you.
Others share that they receive comfort from choosing a symbol that may remind them of their child: such as: in my daughters case I have butterflies, angels and also several black cats which Teresa had collected before her death as her symbols.
Others have chosen certain cars, rainbows, feathers, birds, even food items,, these symbols; that when seen gives the parents a good feeling and also brings that child to mind. Friends often help with the collection of these symbols at times. I guess it’s their way of saying I want to help.
Many parents or siblings report that they find comfort in wearing their deceased loved ones clothing or colognes, ect.. Whatever gives you comfort is certainly what you SHOULD DO!!
I would love to hear from others, about the different ways they have found comfort after loosing a loved one.
By Jackie Wesley
At times we bereaved parents need to stay busy, whether it’s making memorials for our children or spreading the news of our Compassionate Friends support group.
The natural events after loosing our loved one is to do nothing, we may feel stifled and can not think very efficiently or sometimes we just don’t care. But soon we need to join back into the world of living, maybe by going back to work or just doing the everyday chores. It is easy to cave in to depression if we allow it.
I feel that sharing our child’s memories with anyone who will listen and care, such as at a Compassionate Friends Support meeting or any other bereavement meeting and even with family and friends can help us progress though our grief a little bit faster.
Many have journeyed through writing and shares that it has helped them. Looking back at your journals, several months later will certainly show how the “telling the story” in writing has helped you.
Others share that they receive comfort from choosing a symbol that may remind them of their child: such as: in my daughters case I have butterflies, angels and also several black cats which Teresa had collected before her death as her symbols.
Others have chosen certain cars, rainbows, feathers, birds, even food items,, these symbols; that when seen gives the parents a good feeling and also brings that child to mind. Friends often help with the collection of these symbols at times. I guess it’s their way of saying I want to help.
Many parents or siblings report that they find comfort in wearing their deceased loved ones clothing or colognes, ect.. Whatever gives you comfort is certainly what you SHOULD DO!!
I would love to hear from others, about the different ways they have found comfort after loosing a loved one.
Does our grief ever get better?
Does our grief ever get better?
By Jackie Wesley
I find that after almost 14 years after my daughter Teresa died whenever I watch a movie with a death of a young person,, I can always recall some of the same feelings inside of me as when it was actually happening,, I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing to re- visit those feelings but what I am sure of is; they are not nearly as strong as they were when it really happened that long time ago, and although I don’t like them, they let me know , she will always be missed and I will always be hurting inside,, It is not easy to tell the newly bereaved parents that it gets easier when in fact, it actually does,, but the hurt will never go away,, I feel they may be thinking that what is said is, when we say it gets better, we mean it goes away ,It does not!! Well, anything at all is BETTER, than at the time of our child dieing, it is the absolute worse. So from there on its all better.
I have watched two movies lately, One being Steele Magnolias. Actress Julia Roberts happened to star in it, and she also happened to be Teresa’s most favorite movie star, so it was double meaningful to me. In the movie Julia suffered a coma and was put on life support, just as Teresa was, I could relate to her family, especially her mother when she vented her anger and went through all the turmoil we parents have when we loose our child. She spoke the words I think we all do when our child dies, “ We are supposed to die first,, not our children!!.
This is why The Compassionate Friends is so helpful to me as well as to many others. I believe that support groups are very needed to help us be able to say aloud what we are feeling. We need to talk it out; as it helps us in our healing.
By Jackie Wesley
I find that after almost 14 years after my daughter Teresa died whenever I watch a movie with a death of a young person,, I can always recall some of the same feelings inside of me as when it was actually happening,, I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing to re- visit those feelings but what I am sure of is; they are not nearly as strong as they were when it really happened that long time ago, and although I don’t like them, they let me know , she will always be missed and I will always be hurting inside,, It is not easy to tell the newly bereaved parents that it gets easier when in fact, it actually does,, but the hurt will never go away,, I feel they may be thinking that what is said is, when we say it gets better, we mean it goes away ,It does not!! Well, anything at all is BETTER, than at the time of our child dieing, it is the absolute worse. So from there on its all better.
I have watched two movies lately, One being Steele Magnolias. Actress Julia Roberts happened to star in it, and she also happened to be Teresa’s most favorite movie star, so it was double meaningful to me. In the movie Julia suffered a coma and was put on life support, just as Teresa was, I could relate to her family, especially her mother when she vented her anger and went through all the turmoil we parents have when we loose our child. She spoke the words I think we all do when our child dies, “ We are supposed to die first,, not our children!!.
This is why The Compassionate Friends is so helpful to me as well as to many others. I believe that support groups are very needed to help us be able to say aloud what we are feeling. We need to talk it out; as it helps us in our healing.
Grief and the beauty of spring
Grief and the beauty of spring
by Jackie Wesley
Late March is a time when everything begins to sprout and springs to life again, it is a time that many bereaved parents as well as others who are bereaved, wish our loved ones too could feel the spring in the air and see the beauty of the season.
It may not be something the very newly bereaved will notice the first year or so, but we who have lost our loved ones several years ago have started to notice again. It has been almost 14 years since my daughter Teresa died and last year is the first spring that I really noticed the beauty of a rose plant my son had given to me for a Mothers day gift in 1998 or 1999 (I think it was).
I made a card on my computer to send to newly bereaved parents who attends a first meeting of The Compassionate Friends. It includes a picture of that rose, not only because it’s beautiful but also with hope that someday they too will finally see the beauty of spring once again just as I have.
It is in doing these types of things that seem to help me in my own grief; I am a firm believer that doing for others is the most direct and best path to healing after you loose your child or anyone else. I feel it’s so very important to do things that help you to feel your child or other loved one is proud of what you do in their memory,
This is only my opinion but it works for me.
My hope is that every person who reads this article will reach out to another and do something or make a difference this spring in memory of their loved one.
by Jackie Wesley
Late March is a time when everything begins to sprout and springs to life again, it is a time that many bereaved parents as well as others who are bereaved, wish our loved ones too could feel the spring in the air and see the beauty of the season.
It may not be something the very newly bereaved will notice the first year or so, but we who have lost our loved ones several years ago have started to notice again. It has been almost 14 years since my daughter Teresa died and last year is the first spring that I really noticed the beauty of a rose plant my son had given to me for a Mothers day gift in 1998 or 1999 (I think it was).
I made a card on my computer to send to newly bereaved parents who attends a first meeting of The Compassionate Friends. It includes a picture of that rose, not only because it’s beautiful but also with hope that someday they too will finally see the beauty of spring once again just as I have.
It is in doing these types of things that seem to help me in my own grief; I am a firm believer that doing for others is the most direct and best path to healing after you loose your child or anyone else. I feel it’s so very important to do things that help you to feel your child or other loved one is proud of what you do in their memory,
This is only my opinion but it works for me.
My hope is that every person who reads this article will reach out to another and do something or make a difference this spring in memory of their loved one.
Reflections of bravery
Reflections of Bravery
By Jackie Wesley
As I sat and watched the funeral of Former President Gerald Ford, It took me back to the time my daughter Teresa died as well as my parents and my in –laws. I could feel the pain that I know without a doubt, Betty Ford was feeling and I could remember how brave I “think” I tried to appear when all I really wanted to do was go off to myself and cry my eyes out and scream… I could see the anguish that Betty had on her face as she also appeared to be brave.
Many of our Compassionate Friends members and anyone who has lost a loved one can relate to Betty Ford and the bravery she showed to the public. Some of us at our monthly support meetings have talked about almost, feeling as if we were hosting an event during the visitation at the funeral home, or even the luncheon after the funeral.
I am certain now that it is the numbness & shock that takes over at a time of great loss that enables us to survive these times.
My husband’s uncle Eldon died this past week, and his wife remarked as we left to return home “don’t forget me”,
I hope that everyone reading this will keep that in mind, don’t forget them who are left grieving; they’ll never need you more than they do now.
By Jackie Wesley
As I sat and watched the funeral of Former President Gerald Ford, It took me back to the time my daughter Teresa died as well as my parents and my in –laws. I could feel the pain that I know without a doubt, Betty Ford was feeling and I could remember how brave I “think” I tried to appear when all I really wanted to do was go off to myself and cry my eyes out and scream… I could see the anguish that Betty had on her face as she also appeared to be brave.
Many of our Compassionate Friends members and anyone who has lost a loved one can relate to Betty Ford and the bravery she showed to the public. Some of us at our monthly support meetings have talked about almost, feeling as if we were hosting an event during the visitation at the funeral home, or even the luncheon after the funeral.
I am certain now that it is the numbness & shock that takes over at a time of great loss that enables us to survive these times.
My husband’s uncle Eldon died this past week, and his wife remarked as we left to return home “don’t forget me”,
I hope that everyone reading this will keep that in mind, don’t forget them who are left grieving; they’ll never need you more than they do now.
TIME
TIME
By Jackie Wesley
Time, and what we do with it, can help us through our grief; it can also be a hindrance in our lives. We hope in due time that we will be healed enough to function again and to enjoy our lives somewhat as we did before our child died.
But it’s the today time I’d like to address. What do we do with the time we have now? Are we giving enough to our families and friends?
Are we staying too busy to enjoy the children, the spouses and the siblings and friends who are still living? I know when we are grieving, it’s easy to feel “it’s only me” who is hurting, but grief affects everyone, especially those who are close to us. We must not draw away from the people who are so special in our lives. Don’t let time become a four letter word to those around you.
Listen to yourself when you say “I don’t have time to do that;” “I don’t have time to listen now;” “I don’t have time to go there with you;” “I don’t have time for you.”
After a while it’s almost like hearing “I don’t want to take the time for such things or for you,” and that is very hurtful to anyone who hears it.
It not only hurts feelings but it can drive the loved ones away from you. That’s the last thing anyone in grief needs. We need our spouses, our children and siblings and our friends at our sides and in our lives. We do not want to someday say “I wish I had taken the time…”
By Jackie Wesley
Time, and what we do with it, can help us through our grief; it can also be a hindrance in our lives. We hope in due time that we will be healed enough to function again and to enjoy our lives somewhat as we did before our child died.
But it’s the today time I’d like to address. What do we do with the time we have now? Are we giving enough to our families and friends?
Are we staying too busy to enjoy the children, the spouses and the siblings and friends who are still living? I know when we are grieving, it’s easy to feel “it’s only me” who is hurting, but grief affects everyone, especially those who are close to us. We must not draw away from the people who are so special in our lives. Don’t let time become a four letter word to those around you.
Listen to yourself when you say “I don’t have time to do that;” “I don’t have time to listen now;” “I don’t have time to go there with you;” “I don’t have time for you.”
After a while it’s almost like hearing “I don’t want to take the time for such things or for you,” and that is very hurtful to anyone who hears it.
It not only hurts feelings but it can drive the loved ones away from you. That’s the last thing anyone in grief needs. We need our spouses, our children and siblings and our friends at our sides and in our lives. We do not want to someday say “I wish I had taken the time…”
Our lives can change in just an instant
Our lives can drastically change in just an instant
By Jackie Wesley
After talking to a friend I had not seen in a long time, I realized I’m really not the same person that she knew before my daughter Teresa died. In our Compassionate Friends support meetings we have talked about how we all change after our child, sibling or grandchild dies. We are then a bereaved being. We have suffered a devastating loss, and we watch others close to us who are suffering too. We can either be bitter--and accomplish nothing at all but misery--or we can put the love for our loved one to work and reach out to others who are hurting.
I have mentioned in past articles that it isn’t time that helps us heal but what we do with that time. I have found that to be true in my life. I try to do things that I believe will make my daughter proud.
Alan Pederson, a bereaved parent, a very talented songwriter and singer says that the four H's are very important--HOPE, HELP, HONOR, & HEALING. I know he is right. We all must have hope to go on with our lives. Helping others and also asking for help when we need it and honoring our loved ones in every way will eventually aid in our healing.
At The Compassionate Friends we offer friendship and support year round. In the summer we hold a balloon launch and picnic, and later we have a “Walk to Remember.”
In December we hold a very meaningful Candlelight program that helps us to get through the holidays, always a hard time for bereaved families.
We all hope those who attend our meetings will go away with a little of the four H’s: HOPE, HELP, HONOR, & HEALING. (Please click on older posts)
By Jackie Wesley
After talking to a friend I had not seen in a long time, I realized I’m really not the same person that she knew before my daughter Teresa died. In our Compassionate Friends support meetings we have talked about how we all change after our child, sibling or grandchild dies. We are then a bereaved being. We have suffered a devastating loss, and we watch others close to us who are suffering too. We can either be bitter--and accomplish nothing at all but misery--or we can put the love for our loved one to work and reach out to others who are hurting.
I have mentioned in past articles that it isn’t time that helps us heal but what we do with that time. I have found that to be true in my life. I try to do things that I believe will make my daughter proud.
Alan Pederson, a bereaved parent, a very talented songwriter and singer says that the four H's are very important--HOPE, HELP, HONOR, & HEALING. I know he is right. We all must have hope to go on with our lives. Helping others and also asking for help when we need it and honoring our loved ones in every way will eventually aid in our healing.
At The Compassionate Friends we offer friendship and support year round. In the summer we hold a balloon launch and picnic, and later we have a “Walk to Remember.”
In December we hold a very meaningful Candlelight program that helps us to get through the holidays, always a hard time for bereaved families.
We all hope those who attend our meetings will go away with a little of the four H’s: HOPE, HELP, HONOR, & HEALING. (Please click on older posts)
You never get over the death of your child
You Never Get Over the Death of Your Child
By Jackie Wesley
In our Compassionate Friends support groups, we discuss how we never get over the death of our children, but we do say it gets different. There will be a time when we don’t think of the death as often as we did in the very beginning, and we evolve to the place where we have more and better memories of our child’s life and fewer ones of their death. This being the 14th year anniversary since my daughter Teresa died; I know that is true for me.
There is a song, “A Little Farther Down the Road” which was written and sung by a bereaved parent, Alan Pederson, who tells it like it is. I recently played the song at our meeting because it lets the newly bereaved parents learn what we who are farther along know now.
In the beginning of our agonizing, desperate, feeling of grief, all of us have felt it would/could never be any better. The message we at The Compassionate Friends want to share with all of the newly bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents and also any others who have lost a loved one is that it will get better.
Each of us finds we now have a new normal after the death of our child and we learn to incorporate our child in our new normal, no matter what we do.
They say time heals, but most of us say it’s not time that heals; it’s what we do with that time that brings true healing. When we do things in memory of our children, no matter how small a task it may be, it promotes healing. It is always a good feeling when we can reach out and help another through their pain; it is also a way to help us survive such a loss.
We can become bitter, or better, I hope I have become better, I know Teresa would want that for me.
By Jackie Wesley
In our Compassionate Friends support groups, we discuss how we never get over the death of our children, but we do say it gets different. There will be a time when we don’t think of the death as often as we did in the very beginning, and we evolve to the place where we have more and better memories of our child’s life and fewer ones of their death. This being the 14th year anniversary since my daughter Teresa died; I know that is true for me.
There is a song, “A Little Farther Down the Road” which was written and sung by a bereaved parent, Alan Pederson, who tells it like it is. I recently played the song at our meeting because it lets the newly bereaved parents learn what we who are farther along know now.
In the beginning of our agonizing, desperate, feeling of grief, all of us have felt it would/could never be any better. The message we at The Compassionate Friends want to share with all of the newly bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents and also any others who have lost a loved one is that it will get better.
Each of us finds we now have a new normal after the death of our child and we learn to incorporate our child in our new normal, no matter what we do.
They say time heals, but most of us say it’s not time that heals; it’s what we do with that time that brings true healing. When we do things in memory of our children, no matter how small a task it may be, it promotes healing. It is always a good feeling when we can reach out and help another through their pain; it is also a way to help us survive such a loss.
We can become bitter, or better, I hope I have become better, I know Teresa would want that for me.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Steps that may help us in our grief
Steps that may help us in our grief
By Jackie Wesley
Here are some of my personal suggestions for dealing with grief.
First, we can not avoid it, even though I think everyone would like to avoid the pain of grief if at all possible.
We can cry, and cry some more. Actually crying helps to get the tears and poisons out of your body.
Get the anger out even if you have to go to a yard sale and buy some old cheap dishes to throw at a fence or an outside wall. (I have heard that this was helpful.) Holding in your anger will only make you resentful as well as hateful, something we do not want to be. It is never good to take your anger out on people or pets. To some people, cleaning or organizing is helpful, although I haven’t experienced that in my own anger.
We never want to compare our grief to someone else’s because different circumstances will always bring a different type of grief. No two people ever grieve in the same way. To compare is just never a good thing to do.
We can ask our family and friends to understand and be supportive and let us talk when we feel the need.
We have to understand that a feeling of guilt is a part of grief. Our loved ones didn’t die because we didn’t do something right or we didn’t do something to stop it, or because we didn’t say no, or even because we let them drive the family car. We need to accept that it JUST HAPPENED!
It isn’t at all comforting to live in the “What if…” “I wish I had…” “If I had only..” and “Why?” world. I realize that these are everyday words to those of us who have lost our children (or another loved one). That is where The Compassionate Friends can be very helpful. We can talk to each other and ask these questions and know everyone there understands.
We can also hold onto the belief that we will see our children, siblings or grandchildren (or other loved one) again. Until then, we will continue to hold them in our hearts and memories.
By Jackie Wesley
Here are some of my personal suggestions for dealing with grief.
First, we can not avoid it, even though I think everyone would like to avoid the pain of grief if at all possible.
We can cry, and cry some more. Actually crying helps to get the tears and poisons out of your body.
Get the anger out even if you have to go to a yard sale and buy some old cheap dishes to throw at a fence or an outside wall. (I have heard that this was helpful.) Holding in your anger will only make you resentful as well as hateful, something we do not want to be. It is never good to take your anger out on people or pets. To some people, cleaning or organizing is helpful, although I haven’t experienced that in my own anger.
We never want to compare our grief to someone else’s because different circumstances will always bring a different type of grief. No two people ever grieve in the same way. To compare is just never a good thing to do.
We can ask our family and friends to understand and be supportive and let us talk when we feel the need.
We have to understand that a feeling of guilt is a part of grief. Our loved ones didn’t die because we didn’t do something right or we didn’t do something to stop it, or because we didn’t say no, or even because we let them drive the family car. We need to accept that it JUST HAPPENED!
It isn’t at all comforting to live in the “What if…” “I wish I had…” “If I had only..” and “Why?” world. I realize that these are everyday words to those of us who have lost our children (or another loved one). That is where The Compassionate Friends can be very helpful. We can talk to each other and ask these questions and know everyone there understands.
We can also hold onto the belief that we will see our children, siblings or grandchildren (or other loved one) again. Until then, we will continue to hold them in our hearts and memories.
When grieving, advice is not needed, compassion is
When grieving, advice is not needed, compassion is
By Jackie Wesley
As a bereaved parent, and chapter leader I have learned that many who were bereaved before me, wanted to advise me how to grieve, It is not acceptable to tell others how to grieve as all grief’s are different, the child, the circumstances are totally different so no one will grieve alike.
As Compassionate Friends we are trained, to offer our experiences and let the newly bereaved know what has helped us, but in no way are we to push our thoughts, religion, or feelings off onto others at our meetings. I have been guilty of this myself, as I know what comforts me but I am learning too
We try to listen and support the members as well as the new people who attend, in hopes they will return.
Many of us have found that getting together for our annual balloon releases, our picnic’s and our “Walk To Remember” ( which is Aug 13th) help us to educate people that there is a support group that may be beneficial to them if they should ever loose a child, sibling or grandchild or if they know someone who has.
After setting up a small booth at a Senior Expo recently we discovered by the many who stopped to talk to us that the word is still not out about our Compassionate Friends meetings in the area. I suppose it’s because if there isn’t a need, there may not be an interest. Our goal is to let others know of our existence, and that we will be there for them if we are ever needed.
By Jackie Wesley
As a bereaved parent, and chapter leader I have learned that many who were bereaved before me, wanted to advise me how to grieve, It is not acceptable to tell others how to grieve as all grief’s are different, the child, the circumstances are totally different so no one will grieve alike.
As Compassionate Friends we are trained, to offer our experiences and let the newly bereaved know what has helped us, but in no way are we to push our thoughts, religion, or feelings off onto others at our meetings. I have been guilty of this myself, as I know what comforts me but I am learning too
We try to listen and support the members as well as the new people who attend, in hopes they will return.
Many of us have found that getting together for our annual balloon releases, our picnic’s and our “Walk To Remember” ( which is Aug 13th) help us to educate people that there is a support group that may be beneficial to them if they should ever loose a child, sibling or grandchild or if they know someone who has.
After setting up a small booth at a Senior Expo recently we discovered by the many who stopped to talk to us that the word is still not out about our Compassionate Friends meetings in the area. I suppose it’s because if there isn’t a need, there may not be an interest. Our goal is to let others know of our existence, and that we will be there for them if we are ever needed.
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