We Do Not Judge

At the Compassionate Friends support meetings, we are never to judge how someone’s child died. We are of course concerned, but we are there solely for the support of the parents at their time of grief.

In the past few months there have been some deaths by suicide and a couple of murders in our area. We know it is very hard to come to a meeting for the first time. Parents who have the added trauma of their child’s violent or self-inflicted death may be hesitant to attend for fear of having to talk about how their child died. It is our hope that we will never make someone uncomfortable, no matter what they may say or how they may behave. There is no pressure for anyone to speak if they don’t wish to.

I recall that when actress Anna Nicole died, there was so much controversy over how she grieved her son’s death. Someone on TV mentioned she that was STILL grieving, as though she should have been long over it. In fact he had died only a few months earlier.
I cannot help but feel sorry for Anna’s mother because of all the negativity that was said about her daughter at that terrible time. It was as if people didn’t care that she was grieving herself. I wondered how they could overlook the feelings of the ones who loved and grieved over Anna Nicole and her son. We may not have approved of Anna’s lifestyle, but she was a bereaved mother, as was her own mother!

I only mentioned this because I want others to know that we at The Compassionate Friends try to be as supportive as possible of bereaved parents. We want them to know they do not need to worry about being judged at our meetings. They won’t be judged. But they will be welcomed.

Young People Die Way Too Soon

In our Compassionate Friends Chapters we have a program we call outreach. That is exactly what we do; we reach out to newly bereaved parents at the time of their child’s death. We do this by decorating a small craft birdhouse with a few flower blooms that we put a hand cut butterfly into the decoration and take it to the funeral home along with a sympathy card and information about our local chapters. Our purpose is to let the parents know from the beginning there is help and support from other bereaved parents in this area.
The past two months or so we have delivered over 15 such birdhouses to families that have lost a young or adult child way to soon. We try to reach parents of children 46 and under, as that is my own children’s ages. (It’s impossible to reach everyone’s child, since we are all someone’s child.)

I remember when my daughter Teresa died, I had no idea there was a group I could go to for support, and as I have mentioned it in previous articles, it’s not always easy to talk with family when they too are grieving. A support group is so valuable at this time and it is our goal that all parents who are suffering, knows about us.

We are not always aware of the addresses or phone numbers of the parents to contact after the funeral so we feel its best to take the small birdhouse to the funeral home before the visitation and also let others know we are in the area and that we do care.

There are times parents may come to our meetings very early after their child has died or sometimes they may wait a few months, as everyone grieves differently and some just are not ready very early. On Occasion, we have found that some parents are supported by their church friends, but there are some who do not attend church and some who also have questions about their faith, at this time.

I can only hope and pray that parents, grandparents, and siblings, or anyone who has lost a loved one find the support that is offered. It certainly helps in your healing when you talk about and remember that person.