At the Compassionate Friends support meetings, we are never to judge how someone’s child died. We are of course concerned, but we are there solely for the support of the parents at their time of grief.
In the past few months there have been some deaths by suicide and a couple of murders in our area. We know it is very hard to come to a meeting for the first time. Parents who have the added trauma of their child’s violent or self-inflicted death may be hesitant to attend for fear of having to talk about how their child died. It is our hope that we will never make someone uncomfortable, no matter what they may say or how they may behave. There is no pressure for anyone to speak if they don’t wish to.
I recall that when actress Anna Nicole died, there was so much controversy over how she grieved her son’s death. Someone on TV mentioned she that was STILL grieving, as though she should have been long over it. In fact he had died only a few months earlier.
I cannot help but feel sorry for Anna’s mother because of all the negativity that was said about her daughter at that terrible time. It was as if people didn’t care that she was grieving herself. I wondered how they could overlook the feelings of the ones who loved and grieved over Anna Nicole and her son. We may not have approved of Anna’s lifestyle, but she was a bereaved mother, as was her own mother!
I only mentioned this because I want others to know that we at The Compassionate Friends try to be as supportive as possible of bereaved parents. We want them to know they do not need to worry about being judged at our meetings. They won’t be judged. But they will be welcomed.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Young People Die Way Too Soon
In our Compassionate Friends Chapters we have a program we call outreach. That is exactly what we do; we reach out to newly bereaved parents at the time of their child’s death. We do this by decorating a small craft birdhouse with a few flower blooms that we put a hand cut butterfly into the decoration and take it to the funeral home along with a sympathy card and information about our local chapters. Our purpose is to let the parents know from the beginning there is help and support from other bereaved parents in this area.
The past two months or so we have delivered over 15 such birdhouses to families that have lost a young or adult child way to soon. We try to reach parents of children 46 and under, as that is my own children’s ages. (It’s impossible to reach everyone’s child, since we are all someone’s child.)
I remember when my daughter Teresa died, I had no idea there was a group I could go to for support, and as I have mentioned it in previous articles, it’s not always easy to talk with family when they too are grieving. A support group is so valuable at this time and it is our goal that all parents who are suffering, knows about us.
We are not always aware of the addresses or phone numbers of the parents to contact after the funeral so we feel its best to take the small birdhouse to the funeral home before the visitation and also let others know we are in the area and that we do care.
There are times parents may come to our meetings very early after their child has died or sometimes they may wait a few months, as everyone grieves differently and some just are not ready very early. On Occasion, we have found that some parents are supported by their church friends, but there are some who do not attend church and some who also have questions about their faith, at this time.
I can only hope and pray that parents, grandparents, and siblings, or anyone who has lost a loved one find the support that is offered. It certainly helps in your healing when you talk about and remember that person.
The past two months or so we have delivered over 15 such birdhouses to families that have lost a young or adult child way to soon. We try to reach parents of children 46 and under, as that is my own children’s ages. (It’s impossible to reach everyone’s child, since we are all someone’s child.)
I remember when my daughter Teresa died, I had no idea there was a group I could go to for support, and as I have mentioned it in previous articles, it’s not always easy to talk with family when they too are grieving. A support group is so valuable at this time and it is our goal that all parents who are suffering, knows about us.
We are not always aware of the addresses or phone numbers of the parents to contact after the funeral so we feel its best to take the small birdhouse to the funeral home before the visitation and also let others know we are in the area and that we do care.
There are times parents may come to our meetings very early after their child has died or sometimes they may wait a few months, as everyone grieves differently and some just are not ready very early. On Occasion, we have found that some parents are supported by their church friends, but there are some who do not attend church and some who also have questions about their faith, at this time.
I can only hope and pray that parents, grandparents, and siblings, or anyone who has lost a loved one find the support that is offered. It certainly helps in your healing when you talk about and remember that person.
Friday, September 7, 2007
The bereaved must be educators to the non-bereaved
The bereaved must be educators to the non-bereaved
By Jackie Wesley
It seems to me that since my daughter Teresa died almost 14 years ago, I have stepped into the field of teaching the non-bereaved how to treat those who are now bereaved. How else can we all live in harmony if others do not realize how we feel and will always feel after the loss of our loved one? Before Teresa died I absolutely didn’t know how someone who was bereaved was feeling. I guess ignorance IS bliss, at least in some cases.
At our monthly Compassionate Friends meetings we discuss how many non-bereaved people do not understand our feelings or how to help us. I know that to be true. Friends may desert us because they don’t know what to say or how to relate to us in our grief. That alone is another loss.
Those who have never experienced a grief so profound can never imagine what to do to help us. When we are grieving we cannot know YET what we need or what to tell others that we need.
Thank God, after we have traveled down the long lonely path of grief for a while, we become like teachers. We can relate to our friends, and sometimes strangers, who are interested in learning what has helped us. Hopefully they will use this newly found knowledge to help another at the time that it is needed.
I am always open and available to talk to groups about the loss of a child and the help that The Compassionate Friends support group offers.
By Jackie Wesley
It seems to me that since my daughter Teresa died almost 14 years ago, I have stepped into the field of teaching the non-bereaved how to treat those who are now bereaved. How else can we all live in harmony if others do not realize how we feel and will always feel after the loss of our loved one? Before Teresa died I absolutely didn’t know how someone who was bereaved was feeling. I guess ignorance IS bliss, at least in some cases.
At our monthly Compassionate Friends meetings we discuss how many non-bereaved people do not understand our feelings or how to help us. I know that to be true. Friends may desert us because they don’t know what to say or how to relate to us in our grief. That alone is another loss.
Those who have never experienced a grief so profound can never imagine what to do to help us. When we are grieving we cannot know YET what we need or what to tell others that we need.
Thank God, after we have traveled down the long lonely path of grief for a while, we become like teachers. We can relate to our friends, and sometimes strangers, who are interested in learning what has helped us. Hopefully they will use this newly found knowledge to help another at the time that it is needed.
I am always open and available to talk to groups about the loss of a child and the help that The Compassionate Friends support group offers.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Bereaved parents are courageous people
Bereaved people are courageous people
By Jackie Wesley
It has been said that it takes courage to let go after you lose a child or a loved one. I believe that is true, although it’s not a choice we give to ourselves. After a death, we may be considered courageous just to go on living, when what we really want most at that time is to join our loved one (at least in the beginning.)
We are never the same person as when our child or loved one was alive. We may become bitter; we may become more compassionate; we may even change the way we live our life. It takes some of us several years to feel we want to live again. I personally think doing something in our child’s memory is helpful and can even give us an uplifting feeling-- maybe a reason to begin living again.
When our child dies one of the most courageous things we can do is to walk into a Compassionate Friends support meeting. We all have found that after the second or third time we attend we are very comfortable sharing stories and memories of our children. It is comforting to be able to talk with others who have experienced the same feelings and to have the reassurance that we are NOT LOSING our minds (as many worry they are.)
Sometimes only the mother or only the father will attend, and that’s fine, as we all grieve differently. Many times both parents come together and learn from the other members many helpful ways to heal.
There are some very special music programs for bereaved parents that parents may find helpful in coping with their grief. On September 17 the Whitewater Valley TCF group is sponsoring an evening with Alan Pederson as a part of his “Angels Are Forever Tour”. Alan lost his daughter Ashley and has written many songs in her memory. If you know someone who would enjoy his beautiful music please come and invite them along. It will be at 7:00 PM at the Red Cross building in Connersville at Roberts Park. There is no charge
By Jackie Wesley
It has been said that it takes courage to let go after you lose a child or a loved one. I believe that is true, although it’s not a choice we give to ourselves. After a death, we may be considered courageous just to go on living, when what we really want most at that time is to join our loved one (at least in the beginning.)
We are never the same person as when our child or loved one was alive. We may become bitter; we may become more compassionate; we may even change the way we live our life. It takes some of us several years to feel we want to live again. I personally think doing something in our child’s memory is helpful and can even give us an uplifting feeling-- maybe a reason to begin living again.
When our child dies one of the most courageous things we can do is to walk into a Compassionate Friends support meeting. We all have found that after the second or third time we attend we are very comfortable sharing stories and memories of our children. It is comforting to be able to talk with others who have experienced the same feelings and to have the reassurance that we are NOT LOSING our minds (as many worry they are.)
Sometimes only the mother or only the father will attend, and that’s fine, as we all grieve differently. Many times both parents come together and learn from the other members many helpful ways to heal.
There are some very special music programs for bereaved parents that parents may find helpful in coping with their grief. On September 17 the Whitewater Valley TCF group is sponsoring an evening with Alan Pederson as a part of his “Angels Are Forever Tour”. Alan lost his daughter Ashley and has written many songs in her memory. If you know someone who would enjoy his beautiful music please come and invite them along. It will be at 7:00 PM at the Red Cross building in Connersville at Roberts Park. There is no charge
Sunday, July 22, 2007
When to part with our child's belongings
When to part with our child’s belongings
By Jackie Wesley
There are so many grief resources on the internet that I am finding to be extremely helpful to me. I have been fortunate to talk to other bereaved parents in chat rooms and also by e- mail. I enjoy reading the letters that other parents have written to the Atlanta Sharing website; I too have written in, on special occasions. I also receive many newsletters from other TCF chapters. Even with all this wonderful outreach and internet websites, my opinion is that the most important sharing is in a physical group of other bereaved parents. We are very much like family. We can share even the smallest details that those who have never lost a child may not understand, such as the things we now hold dear.
A couple of weeks ago I was watching a TV show that had a professional organizer on helping a bereaved family sort through the things they had kept of their young son who had died a few years ago. The organizer was not a bereaved parent and surely did not understand bereaved parents feelings; he called the items “clutter.” He would help them to “declutter.” Now that is not a word that any of us would use to describe our deceased loved ones belongings!
We all have different feelings about the items. As we have discussed in our support meetings, most of us feel they are “treasures.” Until we personally make the decision to part with them (if ever), I see no reason to let go of them.
The most precious treasures we now have are our memories. Second to our memories are the actual items that our child or loved one used, held, or maybe received as a gift. It’s not the item itself; it’s the memory that goes along with it. And in my way of thinking, that makes it a treasure to keep forever.
By Jackie Wesley
There are so many grief resources on the internet that I am finding to be extremely helpful to me. I have been fortunate to talk to other bereaved parents in chat rooms and also by e- mail. I enjoy reading the letters that other parents have written to the Atlanta Sharing website; I too have written in, on special occasions. I also receive many newsletters from other TCF chapters. Even with all this wonderful outreach and internet websites, my opinion is that the most important sharing is in a physical group of other bereaved parents. We are very much like family. We can share even the smallest details that those who have never lost a child may not understand, such as the things we now hold dear.
A couple of weeks ago I was watching a TV show that had a professional organizer on helping a bereaved family sort through the things they had kept of their young son who had died a few years ago. The organizer was not a bereaved parent and surely did not understand bereaved parents feelings; he called the items “clutter.” He would help them to “declutter.” Now that is not a word that any of us would use to describe our deceased loved ones belongings!
We all have different feelings about the items. As we have discussed in our support meetings, most of us feel they are “treasures.” Until we personally make the decision to part with them (if ever), I see no reason to let go of them.
The most precious treasures we now have are our memories. Second to our memories are the actual items that our child or loved one used, held, or maybe received as a gift. It’s not the item itself; it’s the memory that goes along with it. And in my way of thinking, that makes it a treasure to keep forever.
Bereaved parents need to be busy
Bereaved Parents need to be busy
By Jackie Wesley
At times we bereaved parents need to stay busy, whether it’s making memorials for our children or spreading the news of our Compassionate Friends support group.
The natural events after loosing our loved one is to do nothing, we may feel stifled and can not think very efficiently or sometimes we just don’t care. But soon we need to join back into the world of living, maybe by going back to work or just doing the everyday chores. It is easy to cave in to depression if we allow it.
I feel that sharing our child’s memories with anyone who will listen and care, such as at a Compassionate Friends Support meeting or any other bereavement meeting and even with family and friends can help us progress though our grief a little bit faster.
Many have journeyed through writing and shares that it has helped them. Looking back at your journals, several months later will certainly show how the “telling the story” in writing has helped you.
Others share that they receive comfort from choosing a symbol that may remind them of their child: such as: in my daughters case I have butterflies, angels and also several black cats which Teresa had collected before her death as her symbols.
Others have chosen certain cars, rainbows, feathers, birds, even food items,, these symbols; that when seen gives the parents a good feeling and also brings that child to mind. Friends often help with the collection of these symbols at times. I guess it’s their way of saying I want to help.
Many parents or siblings report that they find comfort in wearing their deceased loved ones clothing or colognes, ect.. Whatever gives you comfort is certainly what you SHOULD DO!!
I would love to hear from others, about the different ways they have found comfort after loosing a loved one.
By Jackie Wesley
At times we bereaved parents need to stay busy, whether it’s making memorials for our children or spreading the news of our Compassionate Friends support group.
The natural events after loosing our loved one is to do nothing, we may feel stifled and can not think very efficiently or sometimes we just don’t care. But soon we need to join back into the world of living, maybe by going back to work or just doing the everyday chores. It is easy to cave in to depression if we allow it.
I feel that sharing our child’s memories with anyone who will listen and care, such as at a Compassionate Friends Support meeting or any other bereavement meeting and even with family and friends can help us progress though our grief a little bit faster.
Many have journeyed through writing and shares that it has helped them. Looking back at your journals, several months later will certainly show how the “telling the story” in writing has helped you.
Others share that they receive comfort from choosing a symbol that may remind them of their child: such as: in my daughters case I have butterflies, angels and also several black cats which Teresa had collected before her death as her symbols.
Others have chosen certain cars, rainbows, feathers, birds, even food items,, these symbols; that when seen gives the parents a good feeling and also brings that child to mind. Friends often help with the collection of these symbols at times. I guess it’s their way of saying I want to help.
Many parents or siblings report that they find comfort in wearing their deceased loved ones clothing or colognes, ect.. Whatever gives you comfort is certainly what you SHOULD DO!!
I would love to hear from others, about the different ways they have found comfort after loosing a loved one.
Does our grief ever get better?
Does our grief ever get better?
By Jackie Wesley
I find that after almost 14 years after my daughter Teresa died whenever I watch a movie with a death of a young person,, I can always recall some of the same feelings inside of me as when it was actually happening,, I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing to re- visit those feelings but what I am sure of is; they are not nearly as strong as they were when it really happened that long time ago, and although I don’t like them, they let me know , she will always be missed and I will always be hurting inside,, It is not easy to tell the newly bereaved parents that it gets easier when in fact, it actually does,, but the hurt will never go away,, I feel they may be thinking that what is said is, when we say it gets better, we mean it goes away ,It does not!! Well, anything at all is BETTER, than at the time of our child dieing, it is the absolute worse. So from there on its all better.
I have watched two movies lately, One being Steele Magnolias. Actress Julia Roberts happened to star in it, and she also happened to be Teresa’s most favorite movie star, so it was double meaningful to me. In the movie Julia suffered a coma and was put on life support, just as Teresa was, I could relate to her family, especially her mother when she vented her anger and went through all the turmoil we parents have when we loose our child. She spoke the words I think we all do when our child dies, “ We are supposed to die first,, not our children!!.
This is why The Compassionate Friends is so helpful to me as well as to many others. I believe that support groups are very needed to help us be able to say aloud what we are feeling. We need to talk it out; as it helps us in our healing.
By Jackie Wesley
I find that after almost 14 years after my daughter Teresa died whenever I watch a movie with a death of a young person,, I can always recall some of the same feelings inside of me as when it was actually happening,, I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing to re- visit those feelings but what I am sure of is; they are not nearly as strong as they were when it really happened that long time ago, and although I don’t like them, they let me know , she will always be missed and I will always be hurting inside,, It is not easy to tell the newly bereaved parents that it gets easier when in fact, it actually does,, but the hurt will never go away,, I feel they may be thinking that what is said is, when we say it gets better, we mean it goes away ,It does not!! Well, anything at all is BETTER, than at the time of our child dieing, it is the absolute worse. So from there on its all better.
I have watched two movies lately, One being Steele Magnolias. Actress Julia Roberts happened to star in it, and she also happened to be Teresa’s most favorite movie star, so it was double meaningful to me. In the movie Julia suffered a coma and was put on life support, just as Teresa was, I could relate to her family, especially her mother when she vented her anger and went through all the turmoil we parents have when we loose our child. She spoke the words I think we all do when our child dies, “ We are supposed to die first,, not our children!!.
This is why The Compassionate Friends is so helpful to me as well as to many others. I believe that support groups are very needed to help us be able to say aloud what we are feeling. We need to talk it out; as it helps us in our healing.
Grief and the beauty of spring
Grief and the beauty of spring
by Jackie Wesley
Late March is a time when everything begins to sprout and springs to life again, it is a time that many bereaved parents as well as others who are bereaved, wish our loved ones too could feel the spring in the air and see the beauty of the season.
It may not be something the very newly bereaved will notice the first year or so, but we who have lost our loved ones several years ago have started to notice again. It has been almost 14 years since my daughter Teresa died and last year is the first spring that I really noticed the beauty of a rose plant my son had given to me for a Mothers day gift in 1998 or 1999 (I think it was).
I made a card on my computer to send to newly bereaved parents who attends a first meeting of The Compassionate Friends. It includes a picture of that rose, not only because it’s beautiful but also with hope that someday they too will finally see the beauty of spring once again just as I have.
It is in doing these types of things that seem to help me in my own grief; I am a firm believer that doing for others is the most direct and best path to healing after you loose your child or anyone else. I feel it’s so very important to do things that help you to feel your child or other loved one is proud of what you do in their memory,
This is only my opinion but it works for me.
My hope is that every person who reads this article will reach out to another and do something or make a difference this spring in memory of their loved one.
by Jackie Wesley
Late March is a time when everything begins to sprout and springs to life again, it is a time that many bereaved parents as well as others who are bereaved, wish our loved ones too could feel the spring in the air and see the beauty of the season.
It may not be something the very newly bereaved will notice the first year or so, but we who have lost our loved ones several years ago have started to notice again. It has been almost 14 years since my daughter Teresa died and last year is the first spring that I really noticed the beauty of a rose plant my son had given to me for a Mothers day gift in 1998 or 1999 (I think it was).
I made a card on my computer to send to newly bereaved parents who attends a first meeting of The Compassionate Friends. It includes a picture of that rose, not only because it’s beautiful but also with hope that someday they too will finally see the beauty of spring once again just as I have.
It is in doing these types of things that seem to help me in my own grief; I am a firm believer that doing for others is the most direct and best path to healing after you loose your child or anyone else. I feel it’s so very important to do things that help you to feel your child or other loved one is proud of what you do in their memory,
This is only my opinion but it works for me.
My hope is that every person who reads this article will reach out to another and do something or make a difference this spring in memory of their loved one.
Reflections of bravery
Reflections of Bravery
By Jackie Wesley
As I sat and watched the funeral of Former President Gerald Ford, It took me back to the time my daughter Teresa died as well as my parents and my in –laws. I could feel the pain that I know without a doubt, Betty Ford was feeling and I could remember how brave I “think” I tried to appear when all I really wanted to do was go off to myself and cry my eyes out and scream… I could see the anguish that Betty had on her face as she also appeared to be brave.
Many of our Compassionate Friends members and anyone who has lost a loved one can relate to Betty Ford and the bravery she showed to the public. Some of us at our monthly support meetings have talked about almost, feeling as if we were hosting an event during the visitation at the funeral home, or even the luncheon after the funeral.
I am certain now that it is the numbness & shock that takes over at a time of great loss that enables us to survive these times.
My husband’s uncle Eldon died this past week, and his wife remarked as we left to return home “don’t forget me”,
I hope that everyone reading this will keep that in mind, don’t forget them who are left grieving; they’ll never need you more than they do now.
By Jackie Wesley
As I sat and watched the funeral of Former President Gerald Ford, It took me back to the time my daughter Teresa died as well as my parents and my in –laws. I could feel the pain that I know without a doubt, Betty Ford was feeling and I could remember how brave I “think” I tried to appear when all I really wanted to do was go off to myself and cry my eyes out and scream… I could see the anguish that Betty had on her face as she also appeared to be brave.
Many of our Compassionate Friends members and anyone who has lost a loved one can relate to Betty Ford and the bravery she showed to the public. Some of us at our monthly support meetings have talked about almost, feeling as if we were hosting an event during the visitation at the funeral home, or even the luncheon after the funeral.
I am certain now that it is the numbness & shock that takes over at a time of great loss that enables us to survive these times.
My husband’s uncle Eldon died this past week, and his wife remarked as we left to return home “don’t forget me”,
I hope that everyone reading this will keep that in mind, don’t forget them who are left grieving; they’ll never need you more than they do now.
TIME
TIME
By Jackie Wesley
Time, and what we do with it, can help us through our grief; it can also be a hindrance in our lives. We hope in due time that we will be healed enough to function again and to enjoy our lives somewhat as we did before our child died.
But it’s the today time I’d like to address. What do we do with the time we have now? Are we giving enough to our families and friends?
Are we staying too busy to enjoy the children, the spouses and the siblings and friends who are still living? I know when we are grieving, it’s easy to feel “it’s only me” who is hurting, but grief affects everyone, especially those who are close to us. We must not draw away from the people who are so special in our lives. Don’t let time become a four letter word to those around you.
Listen to yourself when you say “I don’t have time to do that;” “I don’t have time to listen now;” “I don’t have time to go there with you;” “I don’t have time for you.”
After a while it’s almost like hearing “I don’t want to take the time for such things or for you,” and that is very hurtful to anyone who hears it.
It not only hurts feelings but it can drive the loved ones away from you. That’s the last thing anyone in grief needs. We need our spouses, our children and siblings and our friends at our sides and in our lives. We do not want to someday say “I wish I had taken the time…”
By Jackie Wesley
Time, and what we do with it, can help us through our grief; it can also be a hindrance in our lives. We hope in due time that we will be healed enough to function again and to enjoy our lives somewhat as we did before our child died.
But it’s the today time I’d like to address. What do we do with the time we have now? Are we giving enough to our families and friends?
Are we staying too busy to enjoy the children, the spouses and the siblings and friends who are still living? I know when we are grieving, it’s easy to feel “it’s only me” who is hurting, but grief affects everyone, especially those who are close to us. We must not draw away from the people who are so special in our lives. Don’t let time become a four letter word to those around you.
Listen to yourself when you say “I don’t have time to do that;” “I don’t have time to listen now;” “I don’t have time to go there with you;” “I don’t have time for you.”
After a while it’s almost like hearing “I don’t want to take the time for such things or for you,” and that is very hurtful to anyone who hears it.
It not only hurts feelings but it can drive the loved ones away from you. That’s the last thing anyone in grief needs. We need our spouses, our children and siblings and our friends at our sides and in our lives. We do not want to someday say “I wish I had taken the time…”
Our lives can change in just an instant
Our lives can drastically change in just an instant
By Jackie Wesley
After talking to a friend I had not seen in a long time, I realized I’m really not the same person that she knew before my daughter Teresa died. In our Compassionate Friends support meetings we have talked about how we all change after our child, sibling or grandchild dies. We are then a bereaved being. We have suffered a devastating loss, and we watch others close to us who are suffering too. We can either be bitter--and accomplish nothing at all but misery--or we can put the love for our loved one to work and reach out to others who are hurting.
I have mentioned in past articles that it isn’t time that helps us heal but what we do with that time. I have found that to be true in my life. I try to do things that I believe will make my daughter proud.
Alan Pederson, a bereaved parent, a very talented songwriter and singer says that the four H's are very important--HOPE, HELP, HONOR, & HEALING. I know he is right. We all must have hope to go on with our lives. Helping others and also asking for help when we need it and honoring our loved ones in every way will eventually aid in our healing.
At The Compassionate Friends we offer friendship and support year round. In the summer we hold a balloon launch and picnic, and later we have a “Walk to Remember.”
In December we hold a very meaningful Candlelight program that helps us to get through the holidays, always a hard time for bereaved families.
We all hope those who attend our meetings will go away with a little of the four H’s: HOPE, HELP, HONOR, & HEALING. (Please click on older posts)
By Jackie Wesley
After talking to a friend I had not seen in a long time, I realized I’m really not the same person that she knew before my daughter Teresa died. In our Compassionate Friends support meetings we have talked about how we all change after our child, sibling or grandchild dies. We are then a bereaved being. We have suffered a devastating loss, and we watch others close to us who are suffering too. We can either be bitter--and accomplish nothing at all but misery--or we can put the love for our loved one to work and reach out to others who are hurting.
I have mentioned in past articles that it isn’t time that helps us heal but what we do with that time. I have found that to be true in my life. I try to do things that I believe will make my daughter proud.
Alan Pederson, a bereaved parent, a very talented songwriter and singer says that the four H's are very important--HOPE, HELP, HONOR, & HEALING. I know he is right. We all must have hope to go on with our lives. Helping others and also asking for help when we need it and honoring our loved ones in every way will eventually aid in our healing.
At The Compassionate Friends we offer friendship and support year round. In the summer we hold a balloon launch and picnic, and later we have a “Walk to Remember.”
In December we hold a very meaningful Candlelight program that helps us to get through the holidays, always a hard time for bereaved families.
We all hope those who attend our meetings will go away with a little of the four H’s: HOPE, HELP, HONOR, & HEALING. (Please click on older posts)
You never get over the death of your child
You Never Get Over the Death of Your Child
By Jackie Wesley
In our Compassionate Friends support groups, we discuss how we never get over the death of our children, but we do say it gets different. There will be a time when we don’t think of the death as often as we did in the very beginning, and we evolve to the place where we have more and better memories of our child’s life and fewer ones of their death. This being the 14th year anniversary since my daughter Teresa died; I know that is true for me.
There is a song, “A Little Farther Down the Road” which was written and sung by a bereaved parent, Alan Pederson, who tells it like it is. I recently played the song at our meeting because it lets the newly bereaved parents learn what we who are farther along know now.
In the beginning of our agonizing, desperate, feeling of grief, all of us have felt it would/could never be any better. The message we at The Compassionate Friends want to share with all of the newly bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents and also any others who have lost a loved one is that it will get better.
Each of us finds we now have a new normal after the death of our child and we learn to incorporate our child in our new normal, no matter what we do.
They say time heals, but most of us say it’s not time that heals; it’s what we do with that time that brings true healing. When we do things in memory of our children, no matter how small a task it may be, it promotes healing. It is always a good feeling when we can reach out and help another through their pain; it is also a way to help us survive such a loss.
We can become bitter, or better, I hope I have become better, I know Teresa would want that for me.
By Jackie Wesley
In our Compassionate Friends support groups, we discuss how we never get over the death of our children, but we do say it gets different. There will be a time when we don’t think of the death as often as we did in the very beginning, and we evolve to the place where we have more and better memories of our child’s life and fewer ones of their death. This being the 14th year anniversary since my daughter Teresa died; I know that is true for me.
There is a song, “A Little Farther Down the Road” which was written and sung by a bereaved parent, Alan Pederson, who tells it like it is. I recently played the song at our meeting because it lets the newly bereaved parents learn what we who are farther along know now.
In the beginning of our agonizing, desperate, feeling of grief, all of us have felt it would/could never be any better. The message we at The Compassionate Friends want to share with all of the newly bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents and also any others who have lost a loved one is that it will get better.
Each of us finds we now have a new normal after the death of our child and we learn to incorporate our child in our new normal, no matter what we do.
They say time heals, but most of us say it’s not time that heals; it’s what we do with that time that brings true healing. When we do things in memory of our children, no matter how small a task it may be, it promotes healing. It is always a good feeling when we can reach out and help another through their pain; it is also a way to help us survive such a loss.
We can become bitter, or better, I hope I have become better, I know Teresa would want that for me.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Steps that may help us in our grief
Steps that may help us in our grief
By Jackie Wesley
Here are some of my personal suggestions for dealing with grief.
First, we can not avoid it, even though I think everyone would like to avoid the pain of grief if at all possible.
We can cry, and cry some more. Actually crying helps to get the tears and poisons out of your body.
Get the anger out even if you have to go to a yard sale and buy some old cheap dishes to throw at a fence or an outside wall. (I have heard that this was helpful.) Holding in your anger will only make you resentful as well as hateful, something we do not want to be. It is never good to take your anger out on people or pets. To some people, cleaning or organizing is helpful, although I haven’t experienced that in my own anger.
We never want to compare our grief to someone else’s because different circumstances will always bring a different type of grief. No two people ever grieve in the same way. To compare is just never a good thing to do.
We can ask our family and friends to understand and be supportive and let us talk when we feel the need.
We have to understand that a feeling of guilt is a part of grief. Our loved ones didn’t die because we didn’t do something right or we didn’t do something to stop it, or because we didn’t say no, or even because we let them drive the family car. We need to accept that it JUST HAPPENED!
It isn’t at all comforting to live in the “What if…” “I wish I had…” “If I had only..” and “Why?” world. I realize that these are everyday words to those of us who have lost our children (or another loved one). That is where The Compassionate Friends can be very helpful. We can talk to each other and ask these questions and know everyone there understands.
We can also hold onto the belief that we will see our children, siblings or grandchildren (or other loved one) again. Until then, we will continue to hold them in our hearts and memories.
By Jackie Wesley
Here are some of my personal suggestions for dealing with grief.
First, we can not avoid it, even though I think everyone would like to avoid the pain of grief if at all possible.
We can cry, and cry some more. Actually crying helps to get the tears and poisons out of your body.
Get the anger out even if you have to go to a yard sale and buy some old cheap dishes to throw at a fence or an outside wall. (I have heard that this was helpful.) Holding in your anger will only make you resentful as well as hateful, something we do not want to be. It is never good to take your anger out on people or pets. To some people, cleaning or organizing is helpful, although I haven’t experienced that in my own anger.
We never want to compare our grief to someone else’s because different circumstances will always bring a different type of grief. No two people ever grieve in the same way. To compare is just never a good thing to do.
We can ask our family and friends to understand and be supportive and let us talk when we feel the need.
We have to understand that a feeling of guilt is a part of grief. Our loved ones didn’t die because we didn’t do something right or we didn’t do something to stop it, or because we didn’t say no, or even because we let them drive the family car. We need to accept that it JUST HAPPENED!
It isn’t at all comforting to live in the “What if…” “I wish I had…” “If I had only..” and “Why?” world. I realize that these are everyday words to those of us who have lost our children (or another loved one). That is where The Compassionate Friends can be very helpful. We can talk to each other and ask these questions and know everyone there understands.
We can also hold onto the belief that we will see our children, siblings or grandchildren (or other loved one) again. Until then, we will continue to hold them in our hearts and memories.
When grieving, advice is not needed, compassion is
When grieving, advice is not needed, compassion is
By Jackie Wesley
As a bereaved parent, and chapter leader I have learned that many who were bereaved before me, wanted to advise me how to grieve, It is not acceptable to tell others how to grieve as all grief’s are different, the child, the circumstances are totally different so no one will grieve alike.
As Compassionate Friends we are trained, to offer our experiences and let the newly bereaved know what has helped us, but in no way are we to push our thoughts, religion, or feelings off onto others at our meetings. I have been guilty of this myself, as I know what comforts me but I am learning too
We try to listen and support the members as well as the new people who attend, in hopes they will return.
Many of us have found that getting together for our annual balloon releases, our picnic’s and our “Walk To Remember” ( which is Aug 13th) help us to educate people that there is a support group that may be beneficial to them if they should ever loose a child, sibling or grandchild or if they know someone who has.
After setting up a small booth at a Senior Expo recently we discovered by the many who stopped to talk to us that the word is still not out about our Compassionate Friends meetings in the area. I suppose it’s because if there isn’t a need, there may not be an interest. Our goal is to let others know of our existence, and that we will be there for them if we are ever needed.
By Jackie Wesley
As a bereaved parent, and chapter leader I have learned that many who were bereaved before me, wanted to advise me how to grieve, It is not acceptable to tell others how to grieve as all grief’s are different, the child, the circumstances are totally different so no one will grieve alike.
As Compassionate Friends we are trained, to offer our experiences and let the newly bereaved know what has helped us, but in no way are we to push our thoughts, religion, or feelings off onto others at our meetings. I have been guilty of this myself, as I know what comforts me but I am learning too
We try to listen and support the members as well as the new people who attend, in hopes they will return.
Many of us have found that getting together for our annual balloon releases, our picnic’s and our “Walk To Remember” ( which is Aug 13th) help us to educate people that there is a support group that may be beneficial to them if they should ever loose a child, sibling or grandchild or if they know someone who has.
After setting up a small booth at a Senior Expo recently we discovered by the many who stopped to talk to us that the word is still not out about our Compassionate Friends meetings in the area. I suppose it’s because if there isn’t a need, there may not be an interest. Our goal is to let others know of our existence, and that we will be there for them if we are ever needed.
Support from family and friends
Support from Family and Friends
By Jackie Wesley
There are many things that a newly bereaved person needs during the first few weeks. One of the most important is support from their family and friends, who should be there to let them talk and to really listen, to give hugs, and to help with any chores the bereaved are not able to accomplish yet. It’s hard for them to even think ahead to what should be done--washing clothes, cleaning, even answering the telephone may seem impossible. Many families have found it hard to go shopping for just basic groceries. They need someone to lend some thoughtful ideas and maybe see to some of these tasks a few times until their numbness has lightened a little.
Family and friends need to realize that the person who is grieving may never be the same. They will always be without their loved one and their lives will never be the same as before the death.
Since my daughter Teresa died I too have changed a lot; I have many new friends; I do things I’d have never done before, such as becoming a chapter leader, a newsletter editor and just recently writing articles on grief in these newspapers. I have more compassion towards others than before, and my interests are so very different now. If there were gifts resulting from a death, I’d say I have received many. Some people may think what I do is depressing. I feel it is helping others and at the same time helping me with my own healing.
By Jackie Wesley
There are many things that a newly bereaved person needs during the first few weeks. One of the most important is support from their family and friends, who should be there to let them talk and to really listen, to give hugs, and to help with any chores the bereaved are not able to accomplish yet. It’s hard for them to even think ahead to what should be done--washing clothes, cleaning, even answering the telephone may seem impossible. Many families have found it hard to go shopping for just basic groceries. They need someone to lend some thoughtful ideas and maybe see to some of these tasks a few times until their numbness has lightened a little.
Family and friends need to realize that the person who is grieving may never be the same. They will always be without their loved one and their lives will never be the same as before the death.
Since my daughter Teresa died I too have changed a lot; I have many new friends; I do things I’d have never done before, such as becoming a chapter leader, a newsletter editor and just recently writing articles on grief in these newspapers. I have more compassion towards others than before, and my interests are so very different now. If there were gifts resulting from a death, I’d say I have received many. Some people may think what I do is depressing. I feel it is helping others and at the same time helping me with my own healing.
What do we do at a TCF meeting?
What do we do at a TCF meeting?
By Jackie Wesley
Many people may think that meetings of The Compassionate Friends consist of bereaved people who sit and cry most of the evening, but that is certainly a misconception. It is normal to shed tears as we talk about our child’s death, and we would expect a newly bereaved person to cry. We understand that completely. But we don’t just sit and cry. Would you believe that most of the time we spend in our sharing group circle we may enjoy hearing others’ stories about their children, or even sharing our own? Our meetings are usually about our memories, our questions and also telling what has helped us to cope with it all. We all have ideas that we share with others in the hope that they may reach a point of “good memories” instead of bad memories of the child’s death. During the “special days” such as the child’s birth date or death anniversary or even holidays we offer written information that may have helped some of us to cope.
A support group should be informative, very comforting and welcoming to those who attend and should always have non-judgmental members. We are less concerned at how the child died (even though we do care) and we are more concerned that we be there for the parents, siblings or grandparents who need us. They have a desire to talk and share about their loved one. We want to let them lean on us in their time of pain, just as we had others before us who let us lean on them. It does come full circle.
By Jackie Wesley
Many people may think that meetings of The Compassionate Friends consist of bereaved people who sit and cry most of the evening, but that is certainly a misconception. It is normal to shed tears as we talk about our child’s death, and we would expect a newly bereaved person to cry. We understand that completely. But we don’t just sit and cry. Would you believe that most of the time we spend in our sharing group circle we may enjoy hearing others’ stories about their children, or even sharing our own? Our meetings are usually about our memories, our questions and also telling what has helped us to cope with it all. We all have ideas that we share with others in the hope that they may reach a point of “good memories” instead of bad memories of the child’s death. During the “special days” such as the child’s birth date or death anniversary or even holidays we offer written information that may have helped some of us to cope.
A support group should be informative, very comforting and welcoming to those who attend and should always have non-judgmental members. We are less concerned at how the child died (even though we do care) and we are more concerned that we be there for the parents, siblings or grandparents who need us. They have a desire to talk and share about their loved one. We want to let them lean on us in their time of pain, just as we had others before us who let us lean on them. It does come full circle.
What not to say to the bereaved
What not to say to the bereaved
By Jackie Wesley
In our Compassionate Friends meetings we have all talked about things that people have said to us—things that only the “inexperienced” in child loss or other loss might say. One statement is “Time heals all wounds.” Well, time only helps us learn how to better deal with it; it does not HEAL our pain. Even though my daughter Teresa died almost 12 years ago, believe me, there is still plenty of pain, but I have learned what helps me get through it a little easier.
Another comment is “At least you have other children.” Yes I do, and I love them both dearly, but I love my daughter too, and I miss her. Our children cannot be replaced by their siblings who are still living. Many people who have never lost a child, a sibling, or a grandchild believe that after a year or two “You should be over it.” The truth is, we will never “get over it.” We will always remember and miss our loved one.
One statement I think we all agree we have heard at least once is “I know how you feel. My dog/cat died.”
Pleeeease… I had my dog Tinker for 15 years, and as much as I loved her and still miss her, her death was in no way comparable to losing our daughter. When you lose a child you lose the future with them, the prospect of grandchildren and great-grandchildren from them, and a whole lot more. With a pet it just isn’t the same, although I am certain that those who never lost a child will not understand this. I hope they never have a reason to understand this. I would like for everyone who reads this to think about what to say when approaching a bereaved parent or anyone who is grieving. Truly, giving a hug is the best thing you can do, next to sharing a memory about the deceased.
By Jackie Wesley
In our Compassionate Friends meetings we have all talked about things that people have said to us—things that only the “inexperienced” in child loss or other loss might say. One statement is “Time heals all wounds.” Well, time only helps us learn how to better deal with it; it does not HEAL our pain. Even though my daughter Teresa died almost 12 years ago, believe me, there is still plenty of pain, but I have learned what helps me get through it a little easier.
Another comment is “At least you have other children.” Yes I do, and I love them both dearly, but I love my daughter too, and I miss her. Our children cannot be replaced by their siblings who are still living. Many people who have never lost a child, a sibling, or a grandchild believe that after a year or two “You should be over it.” The truth is, we will never “get over it.” We will always remember and miss our loved one.
One statement I think we all agree we have heard at least once is “I know how you feel. My dog/cat died.”
Pleeeease… I had my dog Tinker for 15 years, and as much as I loved her and still miss her, her death was in no way comparable to losing our daughter. When you lose a child you lose the future with them, the prospect of grandchildren and great-grandchildren from them, and a whole lot more. With a pet it just isn’t the same, although I am certain that those who never lost a child will not understand this. I hope they never have a reason to understand this. I would like for everyone who reads this to think about what to say when approaching a bereaved parent or anyone who is grieving. Truly, giving a hug is the best thing you can do, next to sharing a memory about the deceased.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Rainbows may be a sign from our children
Rainbows May be a Sign of Hope
By Jackie Wesley
My friend Jan and I recently had an opportunity to attend a Regional Conference of The Compassionate Friends in Frankfort, KY. It was hosted by another friend, Karen who is the leader of the Frankfort chapter of TCF. It is always comforting to be together with other parents and chapter leaders who understand how we are feeling, and where we can share our thoughts and our grief.
We enjoyed all the speakers but one was so very interesting to me. Maybe it was because she voiced about everything I have felt but never had the words to put it down. I had not heard of the term “linking objects.” It describes a bereaved parent’s holding on to something our child had, or treasured, or something that makes us think of our child--anything that makes us feel closer to our child. (I have always used the term Symbols.)
The speaker, Linda , told of her daughter Liz’s love of rainbows, and how she always carried small colorful tufts of embroidery thread in her pockets. She had earlier mentioned she felt that her life was grey and colorless. After Liz, who was depressed, died of suicide, this mother realized her daughter was carrying a rainbow of sorts around with her in her pocket. The mother felt that perhaps Liz had created something colorful in her life.
The story made me think about one time when Teresa left to go back to her home in Fort Wayne after a visit. She saw a rainbow, and was very sure and also excited that the end of that rainbow landed on the hood of her car. While she didn’t receive a pot of gold, I think the gold from that story is now mine in the hearing of the story of a rainbow in another young girl’s pocket.
The speaker shared a piece of her rainbow thread with me, and I will now carry a rainbow in my pocket in memory of her daughter Liz and my daughter Teresa.
By Jackie Wesley
My friend Jan and I recently had an opportunity to attend a Regional Conference of The Compassionate Friends in Frankfort, KY. It was hosted by another friend, Karen who is the leader of the Frankfort chapter of TCF. It is always comforting to be together with other parents and chapter leaders who understand how we are feeling, and where we can share our thoughts and our grief.
We enjoyed all the speakers but one was so very interesting to me. Maybe it was because she voiced about everything I have felt but never had the words to put it down. I had not heard of the term “linking objects.” It describes a bereaved parent’s holding on to something our child had, or treasured, or something that makes us think of our child--anything that makes us feel closer to our child. (I have always used the term Symbols.)
The speaker, Linda , told of her daughter Liz’s love of rainbows, and how she always carried small colorful tufts of embroidery thread in her pockets. She had earlier mentioned she felt that her life was grey and colorless. After Liz, who was depressed, died of suicide, this mother realized her daughter was carrying a rainbow of sorts around with her in her pocket. The mother felt that perhaps Liz had created something colorful in her life.
The story made me think about one time when Teresa left to go back to her home in Fort Wayne after a visit. She saw a rainbow, and was very sure and also excited that the end of that rainbow landed on the hood of her car. While she didn’t receive a pot of gold, I think the gold from that story is now mine in the hearing of the story of a rainbow in another young girl’s pocket.
The speaker shared a piece of her rainbow thread with me, and I will now carry a rainbow in my pocket in memory of her daughter Liz and my daughter Teresa.
How Does The Butterfly Help Us?
How does the butterfly help those in grief?
By Jackie Wesley
Many people who have never attended a Compassionate Friends meeting or one of our special programs such as the Candlelight service in December or the picnic and balloon release in June might not know why the butterfly is one of our symbols. It can be a symbol for anyone who has had a loved one die. Here is the meaning it has for TCF:
The Compassionate Friends use butterflies because they symbolize renewed life. The caterpillar signifies life here on earth; the cocoon, death; and the butterfly, the emergence of the dead into a new, beautiful and freer existence. The late writer Elisabeth Kubler-Ross movingly told of seeing butterflies drawn all over the walls of the children's dormitories in the World War II concentration camps. Since Elisabeth believed in the innate intuitiveness of children, she concluded that these children knew their fate and were leaving us a message. Many members of The Compassionate Friends embrace the butterfly as such a symbol. To them, it is a comforting thought and sign of hope that their children are living in another dimension with greater beauty and freedom.
Is it no wonder that we can get excited when a butterfly lands on us, or we see one at a time we are especially lonely for our child? Sometimes they come into the house and even during the winter we hear that someone has spotted a butterfly. Many of us feel that butterfly sightings are signs that our children are still with us and are OK.
Often we talk about butterflies that we have seen--how it’s unusual to be able to hold a butterfly and pass it around to the family members for forty-five minutes or to have one drink from your hand. We have experienced these things, and it gives us comfort every time. Butterflies have come into our house just before Christmas, not once but twice. I am also one who believes there are signs from our children. Does anyone have a story to share with us?
By Jackie Wesley
Many people who have never attended a Compassionate Friends meeting or one of our special programs such as the Candlelight service in December or the picnic and balloon release in June might not know why the butterfly is one of our symbols. It can be a symbol for anyone who has had a loved one die. Here is the meaning it has for TCF:
The Compassionate Friends use butterflies because they symbolize renewed life. The caterpillar signifies life here on earth; the cocoon, death; and the butterfly, the emergence of the dead into a new, beautiful and freer existence. The late writer Elisabeth Kubler-Ross movingly told of seeing butterflies drawn all over the walls of the children's dormitories in the World War II concentration camps. Since Elisabeth believed in the innate intuitiveness of children, she concluded that these children knew their fate and were leaving us a message. Many members of The Compassionate Friends embrace the butterfly as such a symbol. To them, it is a comforting thought and sign of hope that their children are living in another dimension with greater beauty and freedom.
Is it no wonder that we can get excited when a butterfly lands on us, or we see one at a time we are especially lonely for our child? Sometimes they come into the house and even during the winter we hear that someone has spotted a butterfly. Many of us feel that butterfly sightings are signs that our children are still with us and are OK.
Often we talk about butterflies that we have seen--how it’s unusual to be able to hold a butterfly and pass it around to the family members for forty-five minutes or to have one drink from your hand. We have experienced these things, and it gives us comfort every time. Butterflies have come into our house just before Christmas, not once but twice. I am also one who believes there are signs from our children. Does anyone have a story to share with us?
When the community comes together in grief
When the community comforts the bereaved
By Jackie Wesley
Having read the recent newspaper articles about the community’s response to Jessica's death, her viewing and funeral, I am so pleased that we live in a community where the death of a young lady (or any person) affects us in this way. There is no doubt that her parents, siblings and grandparents feel the love and comfort as they grieve Jessica’s death. Even though I didn’t know her I am certain from all I have heard about her that she was a beautiful person.
We at The Compassionate Friends often speak of how we were treated during our child’s funeral and afterwards, and I think most would agree that we had the support of our community behind us. It means so much for us to be able to look back and realize how deeply our children were loved and that they had touched so many lives.
It is important to anyone who has lost a loved one to know that others remember and miss him or her too. We may not always be able to attend the funeral or the visitation, but later when it’s all over a card or a heartfelt letter can be so meaningful to the family. It is never too late to let the bereaved family know we are thinking of them, as their bereavement will go on forever and our thoughtfulness will always be appreciated.
If you know someone who is grieving, contact them, either by phone, card or a visit, even when you think it may be just a little gesture. It can mean so much to the family.
It has been almost 14 years since our daughter Teresa died, but just remembering who came to be with us and to say nice things about her, and those who sent cards, will always give our family comfort. We wish the same for Jessica’s family.
By Jackie Wesley
Having read the recent newspaper articles about the community’s response to Jessica's death, her viewing and funeral, I am so pleased that we live in a community where the death of a young lady (or any person) affects us in this way. There is no doubt that her parents, siblings and grandparents feel the love and comfort as they grieve Jessica’s death. Even though I didn’t know her I am certain from all I have heard about her that she was a beautiful person.
We at The Compassionate Friends often speak of how we were treated during our child’s funeral and afterwards, and I think most would agree that we had the support of our community behind us. It means so much for us to be able to look back and realize how deeply our children were loved and that they had touched so many lives.
It is important to anyone who has lost a loved one to know that others remember and miss him or her too. We may not always be able to attend the funeral or the visitation, but later when it’s all over a card or a heartfelt letter can be so meaningful to the family. It is never too late to let the bereaved family know we are thinking of them, as their bereavement will go on forever and our thoughtfulness will always be appreciated.
If you know someone who is grieving, contact them, either by phone, card or a visit, even when you think it may be just a little gesture. It can mean so much to the family.
It has been almost 14 years since our daughter Teresa died, but just remembering who came to be with us and to say nice things about her, and those who sent cards, will always give our family comfort. We wish the same for Jessica’s family.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Let us help in the new year
Let us help others in the New Year
Jackie Wesley, Chapter Leader
As I sit here today I am wondering how to describe my feelings when playing a video of my daughter Teresa who died 14 years ago. I am trying to figure out how to capture a few special scenes from the videos with my computer. I think back to some pretty wonderful, happy times and it sure does my healing a lot of good. I somehow feel as if I just had a visit with her.
Watching videos of our children after they have died may not be for everyone, but I do have to wonder if there are some parents who would get some of the same benefits as I do, if they’d just give it a try. It’s been a long while since I last watched our videos and even though I enjoyed them then, I find them even more enjoyable now.
Time helps us to see things differently as we progress along in our bereavement. I get “bonuses” after watching Teresa’s videos. I sometimes have great dreams and I feel they were triggered because of the movies and the memories they bring about.
If you have anything at all that gives you comfort in your bereavement this coming New Year, I urge you to do it often and tell others what has helped you so they too may be able to find the same or similar comfort.
If you have lost a child, sibling, or a grandchild, there are two Compassionate Friends support groups in Wayne County. If you have lost another member of your family there are other bereavement groups in this area you can attend, I certainly know that support in our time of pain can be so very helpful, and no one needs to walk alone.
My wish is that we all have a gentle New Year.
Jackie Wesley, Chapter Leader
As I sit here today I am wondering how to describe my feelings when playing a video of my daughter Teresa who died 14 years ago. I am trying to figure out how to capture a few special scenes from the videos with my computer. I think back to some pretty wonderful, happy times and it sure does my healing a lot of good. I somehow feel as if I just had a visit with her.
Watching videos of our children after they have died may not be for everyone, but I do have to wonder if there are some parents who would get some of the same benefits as I do, if they’d just give it a try. It’s been a long while since I last watched our videos and even though I enjoyed them then, I find them even more enjoyable now.
Time helps us to see things differently as we progress along in our bereavement. I get “bonuses” after watching Teresa’s videos. I sometimes have great dreams and I feel they were triggered because of the movies and the memories they bring about.
If you have anything at all that gives you comfort in your bereavement this coming New Year, I urge you to do it often and tell others what has helped you so they too may be able to find the same or similar comfort.
If you have lost a child, sibling, or a grandchild, there are two Compassionate Friends support groups in Wayne County. If you have lost another member of your family there are other bereavement groups in this area you can attend, I certainly know that support in our time of pain can be so very helpful, and no one needs to walk alone.
My wish is that we all have a gentle New Year.
Depression during the holidays
Depression during the holidays
By Jackie Wesley
I have been reading a lot about the depression of bereaved parents after the death of their child. I am certain this article will apply to anyone who has lost someone dear to them, whether it is a child, spouse, parent, other close relative or a friend, especially during the holidays. There are signs to look for and there is help from support groups or maybe counseling. Your physician may need to evaluate your depth of depression and may be able to help you through counseling or with medications.
There are numerous signs of depression. They can include an inability to sleep, poor appetite or overeating, weight loss or weight gain, and a low energy level (many at the TCF meetings complain of this in early bereavement). You may feel lonely and detached from others. There may be drug and alcohol abuse. Some bereaved people think of suicide because they feel they have nothing more to live for. You may feel that you cannot handle the pain of losing your loved one. Help is available if the depression is recognized. Seek help by joining a support group, seeing your doctor, and talking to family and friends if, and whenever possible. Sometimes the family is hurting as much as you are, and may not be able to give the help you need. Any time there are suicidal thoughts, please talk to your doctor.
Many of these signs of depression are normal upon experiencing a fresh loss. It is when these feelings seem to go on too long and you don’t feel you are making any headway toward a more normal life that you need to seek help in dealing with it. It takes some people a much longer time to adjust to a loss than others. We all grieve in different ways and we begin to heal at different times. It is not unusual to grieve much of the time for the first three to five years after the death. If you know a grieving person, consider including them in your holiday plans and try to make their holiday season a little lighter.
By Jackie Wesley
I have been reading a lot about the depression of bereaved parents after the death of their child. I am certain this article will apply to anyone who has lost someone dear to them, whether it is a child, spouse, parent, other close relative or a friend, especially during the holidays. There are signs to look for and there is help from support groups or maybe counseling. Your physician may need to evaluate your depth of depression and may be able to help you through counseling or with medications.
There are numerous signs of depression. They can include an inability to sleep, poor appetite or overeating, weight loss or weight gain, and a low energy level (many at the TCF meetings complain of this in early bereavement). You may feel lonely and detached from others. There may be drug and alcohol abuse. Some bereaved people think of suicide because they feel they have nothing more to live for. You may feel that you cannot handle the pain of losing your loved one. Help is available if the depression is recognized. Seek help by joining a support group, seeing your doctor, and talking to family and friends if, and whenever possible. Sometimes the family is hurting as much as you are, and may not be able to give the help you need. Any time there are suicidal thoughts, please talk to your doctor.
Many of these signs of depression are normal upon experiencing a fresh loss. It is when these feelings seem to go on too long and you don’t feel you are making any headway toward a more normal life that you need to seek help in dealing with it. It takes some people a much longer time to adjust to a loss than others. We all grieve in different ways and we begin to heal at different times. It is not unusual to grieve much of the time for the first three to five years after the death. If you know a grieving person, consider including them in your holiday plans and try to make their holiday season a little lighter.
As The Holidays Approach
As the holidays approach
By Jackie Wesley
As the holidays are approaching fast, we who are bereaved, always have mixed emotions about having a nice holiday when our child or loved one is no longer with us, We wonder if we will ever be as happy and if we can ever celebrate the holidays again or any of the “firsts” such as the first birthday, first thanksgiving, first Christmas and any other of the meaningful family occasions. We try to look ahead to how we are going to feel when the time arrives, it is usually not as hard as we had anticipated but still not at all as enjoyable as we’d like it to be or remember it to have been.
A few suggestions of things we can do to make our holidays a little better I think is, maybe buying gifts for less fortunate children, or adopting a child/family at Christmas time, inviting a lonely person to share your holiday meal, making your child’s favorite foods and discussing your loved one as you share the meal. Some people like to volunteer to help serve holiday dinners for the homeless, some want to travel to places their child loved to go, while others want to travel where their child never had gone before.
There are some of our Compassionate Friends members, who like to put a small Christmas tree up at the cemetery and decorate the graves with Christmas flowers and /or a grave blanket, The making of a grave blanket is very fulfilling, we did that for 10 years after Teresa died. Attending a Candle light program is a wonderful way to honor your child or loved one
These suggestions are things we feel we can still do for our child. Any of the suggestions can be done for any member of a family or a friend, its not reserved only for parents. After someone dies we must keep going and do things that lift us up and not always trying to please the other people who feels we should act in a certain manner. (Please click on Older posts )
By Jackie Wesley
As the holidays are approaching fast, we who are bereaved, always have mixed emotions about having a nice holiday when our child or loved one is no longer with us, We wonder if we will ever be as happy and if we can ever celebrate the holidays again or any of the “firsts” such as the first birthday, first thanksgiving, first Christmas and any other of the meaningful family occasions. We try to look ahead to how we are going to feel when the time arrives, it is usually not as hard as we had anticipated but still not at all as enjoyable as we’d like it to be or remember it to have been.
A few suggestions of things we can do to make our holidays a little better I think is, maybe buying gifts for less fortunate children, or adopting a child/family at Christmas time, inviting a lonely person to share your holiday meal, making your child’s favorite foods and discussing your loved one as you share the meal. Some people like to volunteer to help serve holiday dinners for the homeless, some want to travel to places their child loved to go, while others want to travel where their child never had gone before.
There are some of our Compassionate Friends members, who like to put a small Christmas tree up at the cemetery and decorate the graves with Christmas flowers and /or a grave blanket, The making of a grave blanket is very fulfilling, we did that for 10 years after Teresa died. Attending a Candle light program is a wonderful way to honor your child or loved one
These suggestions are things we feel we can still do for our child. Any of the suggestions can be done for any member of a family or a friend, its not reserved only for parents. After someone dies we must keep going and do things that lift us up and not always trying to please the other people who feels we should act in a certain manner. (Please click on Older posts )
We can always treasure our memories
We can always treasure our memories
By Jackie Wesley
No matter how hard we grieve, or how long we grieve, in the end there will still be our memories. Nothing can ever take them away from us. Some memories will be sad, of course. Some may be in the nature of “I wish I had…” But after a long while, when we have had time to heal a little, most of our memories will be the good ones, the ones that bring warm feelings, maybe even laughter.
I have recently been hearing a commercial on TV -- in it a girl is laughing just like Teresa used to laugh when she really was having fun. It brings a smile to me every time I see or hear it. I have to wonder if anyone except her Dad and I have ever noticed the resemblance. A few years ago I doubt that I’d have found much enjoyment from a TV commercial with a girl laughing, but it just goes to show that we do change so much through the journey of grief. Sometimes just smelling the cologne or perfume that their loved one wore triggers a memory. Some, seeing another person who resembles their child or loved one, may recall how their child wore her hair, or how he stood or smiled. We have talked at our Compassionate Friends meetings about how we often see people who look like our child from a distance. For a fleeting moment it can give our hearts a real thump.
Perhaps when we decide (accept, maybe) that our child is really gone and give up the thoughts of the death, that is when the good memories set in. That was true in my own circumstance. There are times when hurtful thoughts come to mind, but it’s getting easier to push the bad ones out and dwell on the good ones--and there are so many of them!
By Jackie Wesley
No matter how hard we grieve, or how long we grieve, in the end there will still be our memories. Nothing can ever take them away from us. Some memories will be sad, of course. Some may be in the nature of “I wish I had…” But after a long while, when we have had time to heal a little, most of our memories will be the good ones, the ones that bring warm feelings, maybe even laughter.
I have recently been hearing a commercial on TV -- in it a girl is laughing just like Teresa used to laugh when she really was having fun. It brings a smile to me every time I see or hear it. I have to wonder if anyone except her Dad and I have ever noticed the resemblance. A few years ago I doubt that I’d have found much enjoyment from a TV commercial with a girl laughing, but it just goes to show that we do change so much through the journey of grief. Sometimes just smelling the cologne or perfume that their loved one wore triggers a memory. Some, seeing another person who resembles their child or loved one, may recall how their child wore her hair, or how he stood or smiled. We have talked at our Compassionate Friends meetings about how we often see people who look like our child from a distance. For a fleeting moment it can give our hearts a real thump.
Perhaps when we decide (accept, maybe) that our child is really gone and give up the thoughts of the death, that is when the good memories set in. That was true in my own circumstance. There are times when hurtful thoughts come to mind, but it’s getting easier to push the bad ones out and dwell on the good ones--and there are so many of them!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
What Can we do after a Death?
What can we do after a death?
By Jackie Wesley Chapter leader for The Compassionate Friends
When your child dies, it is an extremely difficult life changing experience and one that you never get over. You may reach a place where you can deal with it easier, but as for what some people may call “closure” that just doesn’t happen. We cannot “close” a door to grief, just as we cannot close a door to the love we have for our child who has died. There are many things we can do to help ourselves in the memory of our child. We can reach out to other newly bereaved parents who have also lost a child, sibling or grandchild, we can go even further and reach out to anyone who has lost a loved one. Being kind is one way to help make you feel better about yourself and I’m certain the deceased child will be so very proud of you.
You can join support groups such as The Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents of USA, or any type of support group that fits your situation. You can even lead a support group, you can get involved in a children’s program, maybe put articles in a newsletter. There are just so many things that are both effective and will help in your healing.
Some parents start a scholarship in the memory of their child, some work as volunteers in hospitals, several become involved in “Walks to Remember “ their children, siblings and grandchildren. There are those who want or needs to decorate their child’s graves, I happen to be one who does, while there are some who do not feel that need, but whatever will help you in your grief, that is what you must do. You must certainly take care of yourself and your health. You should try to get enough rest and take it easy, getting run down and sick is never a good thing to do, especially when you are in such grief, it takes so much longer to reach a healing place.
If your child or loved one had a hobby, a passion for doing something, you may find that taking that hobby up can help you feel closer to your child. Maybe make a photo album of the child, and reminisce while sorting pictures, I know that helped me at the time my daughter Teresa died I made several pages of pictures of her for her brother and sister’s albums.
I have found that reaching out to others who have suffered a loss has helped me more than anything I have done and I know how appreciated it is to know your not alone in your grief.
By Jackie Wesley Chapter leader for The Compassionate Friends
When your child dies, it is an extremely difficult life changing experience and one that you never get over. You may reach a place where you can deal with it easier, but as for what some people may call “closure” that just doesn’t happen. We cannot “close” a door to grief, just as we cannot close a door to the love we have for our child who has died. There are many things we can do to help ourselves in the memory of our child. We can reach out to other newly bereaved parents who have also lost a child, sibling or grandchild, we can go even further and reach out to anyone who has lost a loved one. Being kind is one way to help make you feel better about yourself and I’m certain the deceased child will be so very proud of you.
You can join support groups such as The Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents of USA, or any type of support group that fits your situation. You can even lead a support group, you can get involved in a children’s program, maybe put articles in a newsletter. There are just so many things that are both effective and will help in your healing.
Some parents start a scholarship in the memory of their child, some work as volunteers in hospitals, several become involved in “Walks to Remember “ their children, siblings and grandchildren. There are those who want or needs to decorate their child’s graves, I happen to be one who does, while there are some who do not feel that need, but whatever will help you in your grief, that is what you must do. You must certainly take care of yourself and your health. You should try to get enough rest and take it easy, getting run down and sick is never a good thing to do, especially when you are in such grief, it takes so much longer to reach a healing place.
If your child or loved one had a hobby, a passion for doing something, you may find that taking that hobby up can help you feel closer to your child. Maybe make a photo album of the child, and reminisce while sorting pictures, I know that helped me at the time my daughter Teresa died I made several pages of pictures of her for her brother and sister’s albums.
I have found that reaching out to others who have suffered a loss has helped me more than anything I have done and I know how appreciated it is to know your not alone in your grief.
Grief And Anger
Grief and Anger
By Jackie Wesley
Chapter leader, The Compassionate Friends
East Central Indiana and Miami-Whitewater Chapters
In our Miami-Whitewater Chapter meeting this month we will be discussing anger in our grief. Many experience anger after their child or loved one dies. A description of anger is “A feeling of rage, an emotional agitation to what is viewed as unfair, unjust and sometimes even shameful”.
When we are angry we need a target. Sometimes the target may be God. (He understands.) Some may even feel anger at their child or loved one, thinking, “How could he/she leave me like this? Why? Doesn’t he/she know I’m hurting and in pain?” Some people are angry at the doctors, some at the funeral directors, some even feel anger toward themselves, thinking they could have done something to prevent the death.
We may even be angry at our spouse. He/she may not grieve the same way and we may misunderstand their feelings that are just as deep as our own. Maybe our clergyman is not as compassionate as we believe they should be, or maybe they were not available to us at all. We are angry because we feel abandoned and that life is unfair. We also feel very alone and no longer in control of our emotions. We may also think nothing will ever be the same, and it won’t. But as time goes on, it does get somewhat easier as you work through your grief.
We all try at times to not let this anger show to others, but suppressing it can only lead to sickness and withdrawal. Masking anger will often hurt the ones around you and may even drive them away from you. You may even risk losing your closest support system.
Dealing with your anger and admitting it and also seeking help from others who have experienced this feeling is always the healthy thing to do. Personally, talking has been the best help for me. Attending a Compassionate Friends meeting and talking to others who have “been there” has helped many.
By Jackie Wesley
Chapter leader, The Compassionate Friends
East Central Indiana and Miami-Whitewater Chapters
In our Miami-Whitewater Chapter meeting this month we will be discussing anger in our grief. Many experience anger after their child or loved one dies. A description of anger is “A feeling of rage, an emotional agitation to what is viewed as unfair, unjust and sometimes even shameful”.
When we are angry we need a target. Sometimes the target may be God. (He understands.) Some may even feel anger at their child or loved one, thinking, “How could he/she leave me like this? Why? Doesn’t he/she know I’m hurting and in pain?” Some people are angry at the doctors, some at the funeral directors, some even feel anger toward themselves, thinking they could have done something to prevent the death.
We may even be angry at our spouse. He/she may not grieve the same way and we may misunderstand their feelings that are just as deep as our own. Maybe our clergyman is not as compassionate as we believe they should be, or maybe they were not available to us at all. We are angry because we feel abandoned and that life is unfair. We also feel very alone and no longer in control of our emotions. We may also think nothing will ever be the same, and it won’t. But as time goes on, it does get somewhat easier as you work through your grief.
We all try at times to not let this anger show to others, but suppressing it can only lead to sickness and withdrawal. Masking anger will often hurt the ones around you and may even drive them away from you. You may even risk losing your closest support system.
Dealing with your anger and admitting it and also seeking help from others who have experienced this feeling is always the healthy thing to do. Personally, talking has been the best help for me. Attending a Compassionate Friends meeting and talking to others who have “been there” has helped many.
The club no one wants to join
The Club No One Wants to Join
by Jackie Wesley Chapter Leader for The Compassionate Friends
There is a small, almost unknown group of bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents called The Compassionate Friends who meet monthly to talk about their children who have died. Very few other people will talk with a bereaved person about the child, for fear of causing them even more grief and tears. That is only because they do not understand how the bereaved mind works. We want to talk about our child; we want to hear stories about our child; we love to hear our child’s name being mentioned over and over.
My youngest daughter Teresa, age twenty-five, died almost fourteen years ago, and each time I have an opportunity I tell others about her. I am so pleased when someone tells me something about her that I didn’t know or maybe had forgotten. It is through talking and talking some more that healing comes about.
Our local chapter of The Compassionate Friends is a part of a national support organization for bereaved parents. We meet in Hagerstown at the Nettle Creek Healthcare Center on the third Tuesday of each month at 7:00 PM. And in Richmond the third Thursday at 7:00 at the First English Lutheran Church, 2727 E. Main Street. We not only talk and reminisce; we also learn about each others’ children--how they died, what they liked to do, how they interacted with family and friends. We each seem to build a special relationship with all our members and their deceased children.
Sometimes at our meetings there is laughter; sometimes there are tears, but whatever the meeting holds, there is always compassion for each other. Our Compassionate Friends meetings are for those whose child, sibling, or grandchild died too soon. I am sorry to say I qualify for all of these categories. My first-born grandchild David Daniel, died only 45 minutes after birth. He was born too soon. I never got to hold him. My daughter Teresa, died of cardiac arrest when she was only 25 years old, and my brother Gordon, died of cancer five years ago at age 64.
Whoever you have lost, I am certain that other bereavement support groups can be just as helpful for anyone who has lost a loved one, and I’d be the first to encourage anyone to seek out a group where you too can talk and remember your loved one. It is the talking about and doing things in their memory that will help you in your healing. As the chapter leader for the East Central Indiana, and also the Miami-Whitewater Chapters of The Compassionate Friends I’d like to quote Darcie Sims PH. D who is a well known speaker, writer, and grief counselor: “If we didn’t love so much, we wouldn’t hurt so much.”
by Jackie Wesley Chapter Leader for The Compassionate Friends
There is a small, almost unknown group of bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents called The Compassionate Friends who meet monthly to talk about their children who have died. Very few other people will talk with a bereaved person about the child, for fear of causing them even more grief and tears. That is only because they do not understand how the bereaved mind works. We want to talk about our child; we want to hear stories about our child; we love to hear our child’s name being mentioned over and over.
My youngest daughter Teresa, age twenty-five, died almost fourteen years ago, and each time I have an opportunity I tell others about her. I am so pleased when someone tells me something about her that I didn’t know or maybe had forgotten. It is through talking and talking some more that healing comes about.
Our local chapter of The Compassionate Friends is a part of a national support organization for bereaved parents. We meet in Hagerstown at the Nettle Creek Healthcare Center on the third Tuesday of each month at 7:00 PM. And in Richmond the third Thursday at 7:00 at the First English Lutheran Church, 2727 E. Main Street. We not only talk and reminisce; we also learn about each others’ children--how they died, what they liked to do, how they interacted with family and friends. We each seem to build a special relationship with all our members and their deceased children.
Sometimes at our meetings there is laughter; sometimes there are tears, but whatever the meeting holds, there is always compassion for each other. Our Compassionate Friends meetings are for those whose child, sibling, or grandchild died too soon. I am sorry to say I qualify for all of these categories. My first-born grandchild David Daniel, died only 45 minutes after birth. He was born too soon. I never got to hold him. My daughter Teresa, died of cardiac arrest when she was only 25 years old, and my brother Gordon, died of cancer five years ago at age 64.
Whoever you have lost, I am certain that other bereavement support groups can be just as helpful for anyone who has lost a loved one, and I’d be the first to encourage anyone to seek out a group where you too can talk and remember your loved one. It is the talking about and doing things in their memory that will help you in your healing. As the chapter leader for the East Central Indiana, and also the Miami-Whitewater Chapters of The Compassionate Friends I’d like to quote Darcie Sims PH. D who is a well known speaker, writer, and grief counselor: “If we didn’t love so much, we wouldn’t hurt so much.”
Welcome to my Blog
My Name is Jackie, but on this blog I will be referred to as Buttafly and I will sign my comments by ~Buttafly
This blog will be for my own personal thoughts and a lot of articles on grieving.
This blog will be for my own personal thoughts and a lot of articles on grieving.
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