What not to say to the bereaved

What not to say to the bereaved
By Jackie Wesley


In our Compassionate Friends meetings we have all talked about things that people have said to us—things that only the “inexperienced” in child loss or other loss might say. One statement is “Time heals all wounds.” Well, time only helps us learn how to better deal with it; it does not HEAL our pain. Even though my daughter Teresa died almost 12 years ago, believe me, there is still plenty of pain, but I have learned what helps me get through it a little easier.

Another comment is “At least you have other children.” Yes I do, and I love them both dearly, but I love my daughter too, and I miss her. Our children cannot be replaced by their siblings who are still living. Many people who have never lost a child, a sibling, or a grandchild believe that after a year or two “You should be over it.” The truth is, we will never “get over it.” We will always remember and miss our loved one.

One statement I think we all agree we have heard at least once is “I know how you feel. My dog/cat died.”
Pleeeease… I had my dog Tinker for 15 years, and as much as I loved her and still miss her, her death was in no way comparable to losing our daughter. When you lose a child you lose the future with them, the prospect of grandchildren and great-grandchildren from them, and a whole lot more. With a pet it just isn’t the same, although I am certain that those who never lost a child will not understand this. I hope they never have a reason to understand this. I would like for everyone who reads this to think about what to say when approaching a bereaved parent or anyone who is grieving. Truly, giving a hug is the best thing you can do, next to sharing a memory about the deceased.